For the love of Pete, lady, give it up!

Few if any have pursued movie stardom as tenaciously but to so little effect as pop singer Madonna. Here she took her (apparently) final stab at it, remaking a grossly misogynistic Italian art classic–it’s OK, it was made by a woman!–while once again all but destroying the film career of whoever her husband was at the time. Guy Ritchie, meet Sean Penn.

Age, a chain of cinematic clunkers that would give Marley’s Ghost pause and this one last giant bomb finally forced Ms. Ciccone to accept that her dreams of moviedom were being Swept Away.

Ken Begg is the proprietor of Jabootu: The Bad Movie Dimension.


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Stars wars

Starchaser: The Legend Of OrinA long time ago… I mean, from now… in a galaxy far, far away happen the events of Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin. Despite the change in time, the movie still comes across as very familiar – among other problems.

Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.


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As Promised, a Roundtable Review Without a Has-Been Athlete!

Also one with a has-been athlete, for those of you who can’t get enough of sportsball guys making asses of themselves.  A bunch of other stuff, too, as you can see:

 

Blood and Black Lace (1964), in which eating disorders are the least of these models’ worries…

Destroyer (1988), in which I call your attention to the frigging laser sight on the jackhammer in the poster art, which sadly has no basis in the reality of this feeble little film…

The Evil Eye (1963), in which an obsession with paperback murder mysteries occasionally comes in handy…

Hercules (2014), in which Herc isn’t the son of a god, and never really fought a monster, but the movie somehow turns out okay anyway…

The Man from Beyond (1922), in which Harry Houdini’s plan to carve out a new niche for himself in the movies continues not to pan out…

Snowpiercer (2013), in which an impressively international cast, crew, and creative team deliver a timely piss-take on Atlas Shrugged

and…

The Warriors (1979), in which a street gang’s commute from the Bronx back to Coney Island manages to pack in as much danger and adventure as the Great Wanderings of Odysseus.

 
 
 

El Santo rules the wasteland-- and also 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting.


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It’s the thrill of the fight

Eye Of The Eagle 3Unlike many B movie fans, I generally don’t think much of the movies made by Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago. One exception, however, is Eye Of The Eagle 3, an actioner that compensates for some major weaknesses with its first rate action sequences.

Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.


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“Put your head on my shoulder…”

dontquit_banner1

“I’m having trouble coming up with one for Lyz,” commented the Rev D. D. presciently, when this Roundtable was announced.

And indeed…

“Man,” I thought to myself when this topic was voted in, “I’m really in deeeeep trouble!”

TTWTH72-heads4b

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…so it is with a certain sense of shame and several sincere mea culpas directed at the Reverend Roosevelt Grier that we present:

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THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)

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Liz Kingsley is the insane genius behind And You Call Yourself a Scientist!


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Extremely undercooked

Don't Quit Your Day Job!

Hamburger: The Motion PictureDick Butkus, former football player for the Chicago Bears, plays the antagonist in Hamburger: The Motion Picture. He’s not very good, but his poor performance still beats the efforts of just about everyone else associated with this movie.

Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.


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It could only happen in the ’70s

Death RidersAlthough the documentary Death Riders is undernourished in the human angle, it all the same remains an often fascinating look at a type of entertainment that does not exist anymore.

Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.


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You Oughtn’t Be In Pictures

Just about everybody dreams of being a movie star someday, the same way we also dream about being rich, or famous, or powerful & influential. But what if you’re already rich, famous, powerful and/or influential? Hey, why not use your riches, fame, power & influence… to become a movie star? (Or, if you’re rich, famous, etc. because you are a movie star, haven’t you always wanted to direct?)

It’s easier than you might think. Chances are there’s some mercenary producer out there who’s anxious to give you your shot. Oh, it’s not because he has faith in your abilities. He just knows your name alone will be enough to draw in a few curious suckers and make him some easy money. Or maybe he really does believe in you — which is usually worse. Either way, whether you’re Clara Peller or Paris Hilton, Bruce Jenner or Liberace, Toonces the Cat or Shaq, you’re probably better off ignoring your producer and listening to audiences everywhere, as they scream…

DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!

Don't Quit Your Day Job!

All through August on the B-Master’s blog!

Will Laughlin is the Braineater.


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Rabukurafuto Guessed It.

Hands of the Ripper (1971), in which Red Jack’s daughter is almost as big a pain in the ass as he was…

Münchhausen (1943), in which not all wartime propaganda films look like wartime propaganda films…

Night of the Living Dead (1990), in which you better believe they remembered the copyright notice this time…

and…

Wheels of Terror (1990), in which you might as well just watch Duel and The Car again instead, were it not for one curious thing.

 
 
 

El Santo rules the wasteland-- and also 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting.


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Everybody’s working on the weekend

Weekend WarriorsThe comedy Weekend Warriors was the first movie Bert Convy directed. It doesn’t take long upon watching it to find out why it was also the last.

Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.


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