THRONE OF FIRE
At my age, and with my experience, I shouldn’t fall for it. And yet, on occasion, I’m still taken in by cool posters and cover art. At these times, I actually leave my body and hover above myself, screaming warnings but powerless to prevent my corporeal self from plunking down a wad of cash on a movie that has a cool looking cover. “You fool! You know the movie isn’t going to be anything like the cover!” my spirit cries, but alas his words are unable to prevent the transaction. And so it is I end up owning movies like Throne of Fire, a dreary, slow-moving, largely uninteresting Italian sword and sorcery film with a cover that featured an illustration of a big-breasted nude chick swinging around a sword and wearing a little metal thong. “This looks pretty good,” I said to myself, even as my other disembodied self was shouting, “Dude, seriously! That chick probably never even shows up in the movie! Didn’t you learn anything from the cover of Hot Potato???”
#1 by Blake Matthews on November 27, 2007 - 5:10 pm
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I’m still waiting for you to get around to the third and fourth Ator films. One day I’ll set out to immerse myself in those 80s barbarian films…or at least Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell at the very least.
#2 by Blake Matthews on November 27, 2007 - 5:11 pm
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Does that last comment make me sound sadistic?
#3 by KeithA on November 27, 2007 - 5:22 pm
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I’m doing full rewrites of the Ator material, at least the first three films. I’ve never seen the fourth one and have no idea where to find it. No Miles in that one, right?
And if you’re sadistic, I’m masochistic.
#4 by Blake Matthews on November 27, 2007 - 6:01 pm
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According to the review at The Unknown Movies, Miles isn’t in it.
I think this would be it: http://www.amazon.com/Quest-Mighty-Sword-Allan-Kramer/dp/6301759338/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=video&qid=1196207966&sr=8-1
One of the reviews said that Iron Warrior was fourth and this one was third, while Greywizard says the opposite. Anyways, I hope this helps.
#5 by John Doe on November 27, 2007 - 6:51 pm
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Hey Keith, don’t be so down on yourself. If I saw that cover in a rental store I’d a picked it up also. Never seen “Conquest” but if that woman in the screen shots gets nekkid in it (even only mostly nekkid) then I might have to find me a copy.
#6 by KeithA on November 27, 2007 - 7:30 pm
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she never stops being nekkid — although she spends the entire movie with a golden mask on as well.
#7 by El Santo on November 28, 2007 - 8:16 am
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“The whole thing plays out more like a really bad throwback to 1960s peplum than it does a 1980s sword and sorcery film.”
I encountered something similar once during my hardcore barbarian period. I picked up this absolutely bad-ass-looking movie called Bladestorm, which to all outward appearances was going to be pretty much the stone circle scene from Conan the Barbarian over and over again for 80 minutes. In actual fact, it was Mario Bava’s mid-60’s Viking movie, Knives of the Avenger, with a new title and some of the most egregiously misleading cover art (and cover copy) ever. Now one of these days, I’m going to give that movie another chance; it’s Mario Bava, after all, and since now I know what it was really supposed to be, I figure I’m in a better position to evaluate it on the proper terms. But let’s face it– when you’re expecting an 80’s Conan ripoff, a 60’s Viking flick simply isn’t going to cut it.
#8 by Tom Meade on November 28, 2007 - 10:15 am
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See also: whoever the bastards are who keep slapping the cover of Joe Dante’s Piranha on the crappy William Smith movie Piranha, Piranha!. For a variety of reasons not worth going into, I now own three copies of that film.
Although at least the motorcycle race was entertaining.
#9 by KeithA on November 28, 2007 - 10:42 am
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Knives of the Avenger is pretty good stuff, but yeah, if you are expecting Conan, well…
On the topic of never learning a lesson, as with Piranha fake outs, I own a lot of kungfu movies released by Xenon/Arena even though i knew after the first one that they were worthless multi-gen dupes with crappy new titles and tracking problems. And still, I kept buying them.
As for retitling — I had a kungfu teacher who made a movie called Two. He had all sorts of hokey philosophical reasons for the title, because he was cool like that. He spent a year shopping it around to distributors (this was before DVD and NetFlix), and finally found a guy who was interested, some shady seeming distributor based out of St. Pete. Anyway, after a few meetings, the distro guy just vanishes, and we all assume he was caught up in some con job or drug deal gone bad or something. So another year passes, and we’re all down at Media Play picking through the videos, and Sifu Dez starts freaking out because he sees himself on the cover of a video box. And it turns out its his movie, released without his knowledge, with no one ever telling him or paying him anything for it. And it ends up being just a dupe of the screener he gave that crazy distro guy way back when. But all of that was nothing compared to the fact that they gave it a new title: Gangstas 4-Evah.
#10 by Blake Matthews on November 28, 2007 - 12:05 pm
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Yeah, those Wu-Tang Clan ones were pretty bad. One had a picture of Michelle Yeoh from Holy Weapon and it was something totally different…I think it was a Polly Shang Kwan or a Judy Lee film. I was intrigued that the 6th (or 7th) Disciple was actually “The Yellow River Fighter”, an acclaimed Mainland film.
I’m still upset that the killer octopus and laser-shooting manta ray didn’t appear in “The Land that Time Forgot.” It would’ve been the greatest movie ever if it thad those instead of the cavemen.
#11 by KeithA on November 28, 2007 - 3:05 pm
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Back when I was in third grade or so, my friends and I used to get these monster books from that Troll Book Order thing. They were pretty generic books, usually about The Mummy, Wolfman, Frankenstein, and Dracula. One series (black paperbacks with a picture of the monster on the front) had the regulars, but also one on aliens. The two stills inside the book I fell in love with were one from Invasion of the Saucer Men and a promo shot from The Mysterians that was a badly composited photo (I didn’t recognize at the time) of a bunch of Mysterians standing around shooting lasers at a bunch of soldiers, with a ton of tanks, Mogera robots, and Maser cannons going ape for good measure. It made the movie look like the most awesome, action-packed all-out space battle ever. And while I love the movie now, the first time I saw it I was sorely disappointed, to say the least.
And Blake — you nail the problem I had with not picking up Xenon/Arena movies. You never actually knew what movie you were going to get, and sometimes you’d end up with a bad copy of a real gem. Some of those movies still aren’t available in any other format.
#12 by Blake Matthews on November 28, 2007 - 4:33 pm
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Yeah, it was the only format I ever saw “Young Taoism Fighter” on. And for the record, Keith, the final fight is absolutely sublime.
#13 by Matthew Fudge on November 29, 2007 - 6:35 am
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I don’t know what cover you have in the states but in the UK, the old arnie chestnut Hercules in New York boasts arnies face from about 10 years later gazing meaningfully out as a massive explosion dwarfs the manhatten sky-line. not exactly truth in advertising.
#14 by Blake Matthews on November 29, 2007 - 7:01 am
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It’s like all those releases of Jackie Chan’s Fantasy Mission Force and Master with Cracked Fingers that have cover art from Rumble in the Bronx and Supercop on them. Oh, and can someone tell me why almost all of Jackie Chan’s films released by Dimension Films has him in a black shirt and black pants on the covers?
#15 by Matthew Fudge on November 29, 2007 - 10:23 am
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Christ on a bike, have you seen any recent Steven Seagal covers? Slim, wrinkle free. Airbrushing him must be a full time job. Either that or they’ve replaced him with a motion capture avatar ala Beowulf. I mean it would be easy enough, you’d never have to reprogramme it to change the clothes or the hairstyle.
#16 by KeithA on November 29, 2007 - 11:32 am
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Steven Seagal IS Born to be Photoshopped. Coming soon to a DVD shelf near you. Please make sure said shelf is reinforced.
#17 by lyzard on November 29, 2007 - 1:08 pm
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This reminds me of a while back when my father and I were watching Marked For Death after watching a few of his other, more recent offerings. The first time there’s a clear shot of ol’ Steve we both cried about, absolutely simultaneously, “My God! He’s so THIN !!”
#18 by Blake Matthews on November 29, 2007 - 1:20 pm
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I got that same feelings after watching clips from Out for Justice. I wonder how Van Damme has stayed in relative shape so well while Seagal…hasn’t.
#19 by Blake Matthews on November 29, 2007 - 4:43 pm
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I had that same sensation while watching clips from Out for Justice some time back. However, there’s something surreally cool about present-day Steven Seagal fighting with his upper body and stunt-double fighting with his legs in “Belly of the Beast.”
#20 by Blake Matthews on November 29, 2007 - 6:04 pm
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I liked Belly of the Beast’s juggling between a heavy-set Seagal fighting with only his hands and his Chinese stunt double dodging spears and kicking with his feet. It was surreally perfect.
#21 by Blake Matthews on November 30, 2007 - 6:33 am
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I always loved watching a heavy-set Seagal do tai chi and kendo with his upper-body while his (presumably) Chinese stunt double was dodging spears with wushu-like leg movements.
#22 by Matthew Fudge on November 30, 2007 - 8:01 am
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ah, steven’s patented fore-arm fighting where he disposes of hordes of badguys while admitting no movement below the waist…. also could he not see the problem in making a film called Belly of the Beast, it’s like Harrison ford making a film called ‘jesus he’s old’
#23 by Blake Matthews on November 30, 2007 - 8:16 am
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Ha! I never thought of it that way. Well, if you ever saw his kicks, even when he was thinner, it’s just as well that he fought just from waist up. I read that he practiced a little goju-ryu (my style) in addition to aikido, so it’s surprising that he’s not a good kicker.
#24 by KeithA on November 30, 2007 - 12:32 pm
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Seagal could have been passable as a tubby Joe Don Baker style bad-ass if those guys were still in style. Seriously, if I had to fight one of the modern sculpted-ab muscle boy action heroes or Joe Don Baker, I’ll take my chances with Mr. Male Model. But Seagal is fast approaching Marlon Brando proportions.
#25 by Matthew Fudge on December 2, 2007 - 4:20 am
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Do you often wonder which movie bad-guy you’d be able to take in a fight?
#26 by KeithA on December 2, 2007 - 10:50 pm
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I did, but so many of the current bad guys are so lame. I switched sides, and now I am constantly sizing up heroes.
#27 by Matthew Fudge on December 3, 2007 - 4:46 am
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….and they say that films make people violent.
#28 by Blake Matthews on December 3, 2007 - 5:15 am
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Hey Keith, how ’bout you and I team up and take down the Affleck Daredevil?
#29 by lyzard on December 4, 2007 - 1:11 pm
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Oh, please: *I* could take down the Affleck Daredevil.
#30 by Blake Matthews on December 4, 2007 - 4:56 pm
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Funny thing is, when I saw that you had posted on this thread, that response was the first thing I figured you’d say. And I don’t doubt you could easily take down Elektra and the Halle Berry Catwoman simultaneously.
#31 by KeithA on December 4, 2007 - 5:14 pm
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But don’t mess with Sharon “skin as hard as” Stone. Her power of making long-winded, convoluted speeches honoring Michael Douglas will defeat anyone and is far more terrifying than her skin cream that turns you into concrete.
#32 by Blake Matthews on December 5, 2007 - 4:37 am
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Going back to a previous tangent, on the subject of Xenon releases…Keith, have you ever considered tracking down copies of “Black Spring Break” and “Soul in the Hole” and reviewing them so that all of who bought those Wu Tang Clan kung fu movies will know what we were missing?
#33 by KeithA on December 5, 2007 - 10:53 am
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Me and one of my old roommates went on a quest to find a copy of Black Spring Break. Never could find it. But I still remember the sassy and disbelieving hotel desk woman who was looking at some group of white guys and saying, “You DO realize this is BLACK spring break, don’t you?”
#34 by Blake Matthews on December 5, 2007 - 11:39 am
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The videos I picked up only had the “Soul in the Hole” trailer. On the introduction trailer/montage to the Wu Tang series, there’s a scene with a guy saying, “I am merely the agent of this sword.” I wonder what film that was from.
#35 by KeithA on December 5, 2007 - 12:07 pm
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Incidentally, thanks to the my own skin color and the skin color of a girlfriend back in college, I have been to both Black and White Spring Break. I highly recommend Black Spring Break, the actual event if not the movie. I also recommend Daytona Bike Week, which is like spring break for old people, male and female, who look like Willie Nelson.
This seems an appropriate topic of conversation as it begins snowing here.
#36 by Blake Matthews on December 5, 2007 - 12:12 pm
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Down here, Christmas Eve is an event that starts at about 11 p.m. on Deceber 24th and goes until about 4 am on December 25th, full of bbq, alcohol (should you drink), Secret Santa gift exchanges, loud music, and dancing.
#37 by lyzard on December 5, 2007 - 1:15 pm
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The only good thing about my father’s health problems is that it exempts him, and by extension me, from Christmas With The Family (Political Arguments Thrown In Free), and leaves us to nosh on lobster in peace. All I have to do is decide is what afternoon movie double we’ll be watching. Last year it was Shark Zone plus We’re No Angels. This year….ooooh…. The possibilities, the possibilities…..
#38 by KeithA on December 5, 2007 - 1:28 pm
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Due to increased hassle and decreased flights (and the fact that I’ll be back in Louisville on January anyway), I’m skipping the family Christmas down there. And since the girlfriend’s family up here thinks we are going to be in Kentucky, we’re going to enjoy a nice, quiet, RELAXED Chirstmas Eve together. I plan to watch the entire run of The Avengers ’67 and cook a dinner consisting of garlic mashed potatoes, string beans, and fillet mignon with blue cheese butter. And then, Jan. 10th it’s off to Mexico for Black Spring Break.