In discussion of Roller Blade and nude kickboxing women, fellow B-Master Lyz asked for nude kickboxing Rutger Hauer in the name of equal representation of the sexes in the sport of nudity. Well, I may not have any nude kickboxing Rutger Hauer, but our next Project VHS review features multiple spread eagle buffalo shots of Robert “Terminator 2” Patrick.
FUTURE HUNTERS
As is often the case with these types of films, I realize that I’m straying a bit too far into the realm of plot synopsis, but once again I feel it’s justified, as there’s not much hope otherwise of explaining just how cracked in the head a film like Future Hunters can manage to be. Because before too long, Michelle and T2 are on the run from a secret society of Nazis who want to get the Spear and use it to cause the apocalypse we saw before the credits. Which is kind of odd, as they couldn’t possibly have possessed the spear the first time they caused the future apocalypse — which is the first and only time I’ll mention the underlying stupidity of the entire time travel plotline, since for starters is gets dropped almost immediately, but mostly because no one should bend themselves out of shape worrying about shoddy time travel threads in Future Hunters, a movie that, soon enough, will present us with everything from an impromptu kungfu film to an army of stone age midgets to a secret society of sexy Filipina Amazons in the jungles of South Asia.
#1 by Blake Matthews on September 9, 2008 - 12:08 pm
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I’ve seen Hwang Jang Lee take on Bruce Le, Dragon Lee, and now I’m watching “Story of the Dragon” to see how he fared against Bruce Li. Probably the same as the other two: Whoops’em so bad that you can’t imagine him winning without any outside help.
#2 by Paul Talbot on September 9, 2008 - 5:50 pm
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That review sounds like a challenge! I’ll be getting this movie… mine’s the padded cell on the right next to Sam Neill…
By the way, I *did* watch TJ Hooker along with Manimal, Street Hawk and any number of other 80s shows. Though I did grow up in the UK, so maybe it was more popular there 🙂
#3 by lyzard on September 9, 2008 - 8:13 pm
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When paragraphs like this make perfect sense, is it time to start worrying, or too late to bother?
And as long as we’re all ‘fessing up – I have T.J. Hooker in my DVD rental queue.
#4 by JessicaR on September 10, 2008 - 12:41 am
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Upsetting underthings or not young Robert Patrick was *fine*, wow.
#5 by Nathan Shumate on September 10, 2008 - 9:54 pm
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Ah, Future Hunters. One of those films which you keep thinking has settled into its ultimate depths of stupidity, only to be surprised — and appalled — yet again.
#6 by Nathan Shumate on September 10, 2008 - 10:02 pm
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Oh, and I would totally watch a movie that thawed Bruce Le and Sho Kosugi are thawed out to save the world from Cthulhu. Hell, I think I’ll write it.
#7 by KeithA on September 11, 2008 - 8:55 am
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What’s really scary about Future Hunters is the number of TJ Hooker fans my off the cuff remark has brought to the surface.
#8 by HP on September 14, 2008 - 4:13 pm
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I wouldn’t call myself a TJ Hooker fan, necessarily. But you have to understand that every episode of TJ Hooker featured a climactic foot-chase. The weekly foot-chase was one of the most remarkable things ever to air weekly on television.
See, Hooker was a beat cop — he didn’t drive a squad car, he walked his beat. And in every episode, some middle-aged perp in wingtips or brogues would take off running, and Hooker would chase him in his leather-soled cop shoes. And they would film these sequences exactly like they were car chases, but instead of tricked out Camaros, you’d get lots of close-up shots of non-sensible shoes flying across backyards, down alleys, upstairs and downstairs. Long shots of big, beefy guys scrambling over chainlink fences in their polyester pants and dress shoes.
Every week, it was like Bullitt directed by Thom McAn.
#9 by MatthewF on September 16, 2008 - 8:46 am
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…and as he ran Shatner was thinking “what if Kirk met god? And outsmarted him? That’d be great!”