Eva Vandergeld watches Bloodrayne so you don’t have too (but more importantly, so I don’t have to), meaning that per great demand Uwe Boll finally gets his due in the Bad Movie Dimension.
FROM THE VAULT
- Autumn cleaning — posted by lyzard on March 2, 2009
- The Nekromantik of shark films — posted by lyzard on March 17, 2009
- A Hole Lotta Ghosts — posted by KeithA on October 19, 2010
- Swords and sorcerers, boobs and barbarians — posted by lyzard on February 24, 2010
- Shaft! — posted by kbegg on November 3, 2011
Pages
- About the Cabal
- Full Index of Reviews
- Roundtables
- 01: Brainathon ’99
- 02: Bangs'n'Whimpers
- 03: Post-Apocalypso
- 04: Review All Monsters
- 05: Pretty Mad Scientists
- 06: Tainted Love
- 07: Days of Future Past
- 08: Secret Santa
- 09: Catch a Throwing Star
- 10: Four-Color Features
- 11: Big Bugs
- 12: Fish With Bicycles
- 13: Go Go Go-Go Boys!
- 14: paLe IMITATIONS
- 15: We're Gonna Need a Bigger Roundtable
- 16: Whoa… Deja Vu.
- 17: Month of the Living Dead
- 18: B-Masters Beach Party
- 19: Kinji Fukasaku – The Man No Genre Could Tame.
- 20: Home Video Holocaust – The Video Nasties
- 21: Father Dearest: Who's Your Daddy?
- 22: So Sorry…
- 23: Back to the Well
- 24: Another Month of the Living Dead
- 25: The Ottoman Empire Strikes Back
- 26: Rubber Soul
- 27: Shhhhhh
- 28: Month of the Alternative Living Dead
- 29: On Time & Under Budget
- 30: These Kids Today…
- 31: Mea maxima culpa
- 32: Stingathon ’09
- 33: 10,000 B.S.
- 34: Foot Notes
- 35: Don’t Touch That Dial!
- 36: He Conquered the World
- 37: Secret Santa’s Revenge
- 38: At the Movies of Madness
- 39: They Might Be Giants
- 40: The Other Elizabeth Taylor
- 41: The Dark Guys of London
- 42: Falling Stars
- 43: To Be or Not To Be! (Pilot Error)
- 44: Teeth and Tentacles
- 45: Brunoween
- 46: Howl of the B-Masters
- 47: It’s Alive!
- 48: Bad, Black and Beautiful
- 49: Don’t Quit Your Day Job
- 50: B-Mentia 15
- 51: Quelle Horreur!
- 52: Carradine, Thou Wayward Son!
- 53: Tall, Dark and Gruesome
- 54: Pets Gone Wild
- 55: The Bad Place
- 56: From The Bible To Barbarella
- 57: A Fistful Of Pennies
- 58: Hello, Dolly
- 59: No, Not That One!
- 60: Dr Terror’s House Of Honours
- 61: WTF!?
- 62: In The Key Of B
- 63: The Forgotten Dawn Of Horror
- 64: The Most Dangerous Roundtable
- 65: Room For One More
- 66: Were-WHAT?
- 67: The China Anniversary Syndrome
- 68: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 2
- 69: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 3
- 70: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 4
- The Links We Love
#1 by Chad on January 13, 2009 - 4:29 pm
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Aah, Bloodrayne! It’s a shame that the one truly great thing about the film, a montage of all the gore effects in the entire movie set to uber-solemn music, doesn’t come until the end.
I just hope that Ben “He Played Gandhi For God’s Sake!” Kingsley’s children were eventually freed from whatever vault Uwe was keeping them in.
#2 by Nathan Shumate on January 13, 2009 - 9:27 pm
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If this were the only anomaly in Sir Kingsley’s resume, we’re be justified in suspecting Mr. Boll of devious machinations. However, let’s take a look at that post-Gandhi output, shall we? Slipstream… Species… Thunderbirds… A Sound of Thunder… The Love Guru…
No, Sir Ben is no stranger to craptacular movies. Right now he runs somewhere between Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Lou Gossett, Jr. on the scale of “trading Oscar for Jabootu.”
#3 by MatthewF on January 14, 2009 - 3:25 am
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Sir Ben, to you. He clearly subscribes to the michael caine school of thought; as he said regarding Jaws 4, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it pauid for, and it is terrific.”
#4 by pot cleansing drink on January 14, 2009 - 7:58 am
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I want to see this film!
#5 by JessicaR on January 14, 2009 - 8:43 am
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And judging by her outfit Hot Topic was operating in the middles ages, and from the poster Michael Masden looks like he’s late for a NASCAR race.
#6 by Ed on January 14, 2009 - 11:16 am
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If you think Sir Ben in this is bad, it’s got nothing on his work in The Love Guru.
#7 by supersonic on January 14, 2009 - 6:43 pm
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Just for making Loken and M-Rod an item, this movie’s karma remains a nonnegative number.
#8 by Dave Causey on January 14, 2009 - 10:13 pm
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In the poster image, Madsen looks like Mike Nelson of MST3K fame!
#9 by KeithA on January 14, 2009 - 10:36 pm
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Ben Kingsley is one of the greatest sleight-of-hand artists in history. He makes one respectable movie, and that’s all people remember him for, even though he’s made far more crap than he has good stuff. He’s less Michael Caine, more Halle Berry, and that means now you have to imagine an explicit sex scene between Billy Bob Thorton and Ben Kingsley. Yes, yes! Imagine it! Imagine “Can you make me feel good?” being cooed by Sir Ben in his rich, deep voice.
As for Bloodrayne — Loken’s outfit is nothing compared to the bizarre get-up worn by Michelle Rodriguez. I love this movie.
#10 by Ed on January 14, 2009 - 11:22 pm
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Kingsley: Sort of like F. Murray Abraham.
#11 by Tom Meade on January 15, 2009 - 1:29 am
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“and that means now you have to imagine an explicit sex scene between Billy Bob Thorton and Ben Kingsley.”
It’d probably still be less icky than the one in this film.
#12 by Nathan Shumate on January 15, 2009 - 6:42 am
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Can you imagine a movie with Ben Kingsley, Lou Gossett, Jr., AND F. Murray Abraham? It would be glorious!
#13 by rjschwarz on January 15, 2009 - 11:33 am
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If I understand it correctly the only reason Uwe can continue to make films is because the German government subsidizes roughly 50% of the cost making it easy for them to make money no matter how bad. Shouldn’t the UN step in and do something about that? I mean German offenses against the world is what prompted them to build the UN in the first place.
#14 by Cabal on January 15, 2009 - 11:39 am
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Actually, Keith, I put Sir Ben’s “respectable” movie tally at five, at the least. Six, if you’re feeling very charitable and count “Sneakers”. Granted, in recent years I think it has dawned on him: ‘Hey, they can’t take that Oscar away from me…. F*ck it! Show me the money!” And hell, if I were being offered dump-trucks full of sweet, filthy Hollywood florins, I might well do the same.
Not for Uwe, though. Him I want to pound with a shovel.
#15 by supersonic on January 15, 2009 - 12:02 pm
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But movies like this one and Dungeon Siege do so poorly that even by that standard they lose money. As a consequence of which, it appears that Boll has now been demoted to the $5M-and-under budget category, where he belonged all along.
And who knows — since his skill level does seem to be improving, me may eventually make a success of himself in this category. Or at least make a durable career as a tax-writer-offer like his spiritual forefather Albert Pyun.
#16 by KeithA on January 15, 2009 - 2:40 pm
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I believe the Germans closed that little loophole last year, thus eliminating much of Boll’s funding. All of us should shed a tear. Hell, I’d rather my tax dollars go to fund Uwe Boll films rather than water slides, bailouts, and bridges to nowhere.
#17 by supersonic on January 15, 2009 - 4:33 pm
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I bet they closed it specifically because of him.
#18 by rjschwarz on January 20, 2009 - 9:20 am
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Creative Screenwriter Magazine has a series of podcasts in which they do Q&A with different film folk. I’m listening to the one with Uwe right now and it answered one big question I had. In order to get him to do the Q&A they gave him a 40 ouncer of malt liquer. Mickey’s Big Mouth to be exact. Uwe, a German, commented that it was quite good. I’ve heard Mickey’s called many things but quite good was never one of them. Perhaps he was being polite, but I think more likely this just shows that he simply has no taste at all.
#19 by rjschwarz on January 21, 2009 - 11:20 am
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Finished the podcast, it was interesting, apparently Bolle is moving towards a Spinal Tap type of filmmaking in his new flick Tunnel Rats and the one after that which I don’t recall. I’m not talking the humor, but going into the shoot with method actors and a detailed treatment and letting the actors improv almost all of the dialog. Sounds like a response to complaints about his dialog but perhaps he can speed up location time this way since how can you get a line wrong if it’s unscripted?