Got to work chipping my pile of unreviewed screeners down to more manageable proportions while I was at it:
The Alcove (1984), in which having someone literally give you Laura Gemser as a thank-you present turns out to suck a lot more than you’d think (and in which I never did see any alcoves)…
Flatliners (1990), in which Kiefer Sutherland and a team of fairly trepid med students take a tour of the afterlife, and all they get is this lousy haunting…
Masters of the Universe (1987), in which Golan and Globus come late to the party with their bid to cash in on the popular toy line, and even Dolph Lundgren understands how much the resulting movie stinks…
Penance (2009), in which being a stripper– or hell, just knowing a stripper– carries even more occupational hazards than you realized…
Roller Boogie (1979), which starts out being Saturday Night Fever on skates, then turns into Don’t Knock the Rock on skates, then finally decides that it wants to be Black Belt Jones on skates, too…
Sherlock Holmes (1922), in which the reality of John Barrymore playing Arthur Conan Doyle’s most famous character comes up short in comparison to anything you might have pictured when you read that phrase…
and…
Supervan (1977), in which we see that literally nothing is too insignificant to attract the attention of movie producers hankering after a share of the youth market.
#1 by Mr. Rational on June 20, 2010 - 2:27 am
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Santo, I honestly thought there was no way being gifted with Laura Gemser could ever suck. I no longer do, but for a different reason. Your description made it sound like someone was trying to do a sexploitation movie loosely adapted from Aeschylus. Seriously. Read the description, casting Elio as Agamemnon, Alessandra as Clytemnestra, Velma as Aegisthus, and Zerbal as some weird hybrid of Cassandra and Electra, and you’ve got a version of the first two plays of the Oresteia written by someone on acid.
Or maybe I’m just way too tired.
#2 by Mr. Rational on June 20, 2010 - 2:29 am
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Also, just as a followup: You were mostly right about Ritchie’s Holmes movie. Offhand, the only sin I can remember you mentioning in your opening paragraph that they DIDN’T commit: filming it as an origin story. Even so, it kept me entertained for a couple hours, and that’s not too bad, given the standard of Hollywood fare these last few years…
#3 by Joshua on June 20, 2010 - 6:00 am
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“1985’s non-smash non-hit, Rollerkata.”
This sounds like it could have been the best movie ever made.
#4 by Blake on June 20, 2010 - 7:52 am
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There was time a few years ago when Dean Devlin’s next project was what was essentially a conceptual follow-up to “Flatliners”, in which a policeman would kill himself for a few minutes at a time (and then revive himself) in order to investigate murders or something like that.
#5 by PB210 on June 20, 2010 - 9:39 am
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Considering how important merchandising tie-ins have emerged for the profitability of a film, I find it interesting that one of the first attempts at a live action version of a property that began as merchandise should have such a rough time.
#6 by DamonD on June 20, 2010 - 10:57 am
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Shows what a sheltered life I lead, I thought Flatliners was generally a cult favourite. Maybe it just played really well out here in the sticks or something 😉
#7 by DamonD on June 20, 2010 - 11:01 am
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And I’ve never been a Julia Roberts fan, at any point.
I just always figured I was really not the target audience there.
#8 by perletwo on June 21, 2010 - 1:08 am
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Oh, Roller Boogie! I remember catching this on late-night TV years ago and loving it.
My favorite moment was the ‘rap session’ Terry and Mom finally have mid-movie where she shares her dissatisfaction with her life. Mom asks what she does want to do, and Terry screws up her courage and confesses her dream of winning the Roller Boogie contest. And Mom throws back her head and laughs and laughs and LAUGHS. Beautiful moment.
#9 by Christian Brimo on June 21, 2010 - 9:24 pm
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have you seen Damon Packard’s no-budget Space Disco One? it’s cut together with parts of other roller disco movies….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T59SPiVg1bU&feature=related
#10 by Joshua on June 23, 2010 - 3:24 am
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I’m an easy mark when it comes to any sort of transgressive horror
So, does that mean you’re planning to subject yourself to The Human Centipede?
#11 by El Santo on June 23, 2010 - 7:29 am
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Christian: Not as yet, nor will I be able to until my computer at home works again.
Joshua: Hell yes.
#12 by supersonic on June 23, 2010 - 7:09 pm
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Speaking of Human Centipede, I wonder if anyone’s ever going to make a movie out of the (untrue) tale of Delphine LaLaurie (http://jayssouth.com/louisiana/lalaurie/).
#13 by Blake on June 24, 2010 - 5:36 am
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Thank you, SSM, now I’m going to have nightmares for weeks.
#14 by Joshua on June 24, 2010 - 3:10 am
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Type your comment here
Well, I look forward to a detailed review so I don’t have to watch it myself.
#15 by The Rev. D.D. on July 2, 2010 - 12:57 pm
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RE: Roller Boogie: Can I assume *sigh* Beverly Garland’s role is small? The mobster angle sounds amusing, but I already sat through Xanadu so I’m not sure I could handle the rest of the movie. Bev’s presence would tip the scales and force me to view it, unless she’s barely in it. So, el Santo, what say you: Do I need to hunt this down or not?
#16 by El Santo on July 2, 2010 - 8:39 pm
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Garland’s a surprisingly major presence, actually. Mind you, she’s 50-year-old Beverly Garland, and not It Conquered the World Beverly Garland, so depending on what you’re asking of her, you might not get it.
#17 by The Rev. D.D. on July 2, 2010 - 9:23 pm
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She’s one of those actors I’ll watch in just about anything, so I just ask that she be in it for a good spell. If that’s the case with this movie, I’ll have to track it down.
I’ll bet she still looked good at 50, though. Certain women just go from one type of beauty to another as they age, from smokin’ hotness to refined loveliness (ex.: Michelle Yeoh), and Beverly seemed to be one of them.
#18 by Blake on July 3, 2010 - 4:49 am
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Rev: You had to invoke the hot Michelle Yeoh, didn’t you? I think she’s still hot, despite the fact she’ll be 50 in a few years. Another actress who I find to be just as gorgeous past 50 as she was around 30 is Michelle Pfeiffer.
#19 by The Rev. D.D. on July 3, 2010 - 9:15 am
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Blake: I brought her up precisely because I think she’s one of the most gorgeous women on the planet, and continues to be so to this day, even as she nears the half-century mark. I could gaze at her face for hours and never tire of it.
#20 by Blake on July 4, 2010 - 5:11 pm
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But then, you may have to duel your sword against my shuangdao to determine who will have her hand. Mu-ha-ha-ha!
* – It’s okay, I’m happily married.
#21 by El Santo on July 7, 2010 - 7:41 am
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“I’ll bet she still looked good at 50, though. Certain women just go from one type of beauty to another as they age, from smokin’ hotness to refined loveliness (ex.: Michelle Yeoh), and Beverly seemed to be one of them.”
&nbpsp;
Sadly, no. Indeed, she’s pretty much unrecognizable.
#22 by The Rev. D.D. on July 7, 2010 - 8:42 pm
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El Santo–Wow, really? I’m surprised by that.
Did she do a good job with the role, or stand out in any way? If not, I really don’t have a reason to watch it then.
Blake–Your shuangdao will fall before the might of my qiang! Her hand will be mine…as will your heart! HA HA HA!!!
#23 by Blake on July 8, 2010 - 5:53 am
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Rev: Don’t you be so sure. My four-door fists, has never been beaten either. They’ll fix you!