I’ve only had a couple of real-life nightmares in my sleep during my lifetime. But at least they were following some form of twisted logic, which is more than I can say for Nightmare Weekend. It is simply one of the most deranged movies I have seen in a long, long time. Though I must admit that its insanity was a lot of fun to behold, and fans of so-bad-it’s-good cinema will find a thick vein of unintentional comic gold here.

So, why Butterfly? Certainly not the most obvious choice. And my featured Fallen Star doesn’t even topline the picture.

That’s kind of the point, though. This is a movie in which the man who was Harry Lime, the man who panicked America with a radio adaptation of War of the Worlds, the man who produced, co-wrote, directed and starred in Citizen Kane for Pete’s sake, ended up playing support to Pia Zadora in a (supposedly) sexy, sexy movie about incest.

If that’s not a fallen star, I don’t know what is.

And no, that’s not Dr. Freex above.

Just a little house-keeping. Because in a Roundtable like this, only one appearance by Richard Burton – and one where he is not only unseen, but gives a fine performance – simply isn’t good enough.

And can I just say again— Man, 1977…

EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977)

In which BAFTA award-winning actor Richard Burton, Golden Globe-winning actress Linda Blair, Academy Award-winning actress Louise Fletcher, Emmy award-winning actor James Earl Jones, AFI award-winning actor Max von Sydow and Cannes award-winning actress Kitty Winn come together under BAFTA award-winning director John Boorman in order to make utter fools of themselves.

For which I thank them.

(Warning: NSFW)

Teleport City’s latest entry in the FALLING STARS round table pays tribute to one of our Drinking Heroes, a man who made Richard Burton look tame by comparison. Witness Oliver Reed faking a Russian accent in the infamous Disney flop…

CONDORMAN

It puzzles me, given the churning sea of utter garbage that I so easily accepted as a kid, that I should have had such a vigorously negative reaction to — bordering on outright hatred of — Condorman when I saw it as a kid. hat was it about this movie that so anrgied up my blood? What did it do to me that I would continue to stoke those embers of rage well into adulthood, so much so that I made every effort possible to defame the film every chance I got. And you know I live the sort of life where the chance to defame Condorman in casual conversation comes up almost as often as discussion on the proper way to tie a cravat or how to remove an exquisite Czech woman’s cocktail dress with one hand while flawlessly pouring three glasses of champagne with the other (because her friend will be joining us forthwith).

Something is wrong on with…

Saturn 3 (1980)

… and whatever it is, it may have a little less to do with the romantic pairing of a young Farrah Fawcett and the 66-year-old Kirk Douglas than you’d think. Though Douglas’s insistence on doing his own nude scenes is the main reason I’m adding this entry to the Roundtable.

It’s not that it’s such a terrible movie. It’s a little like the design of its killer robot: the pieces don’t quite fit together properly; and for all the brains it took to bring it to life, it doesn’t have a very good head on its shoulders…

THE UNCANNY (1977)

In which author Wilbur Gray (played by BAFTA-winning actor Peter Cushing) tries to convince publisher Frank Richards (played by Academy Award-winning actor Ray Milland) of the Terrible Secret about the world that his research has uncovered—that far from being harmless domestic pets, cats are a force for evil, capable of controlling and manipulating the human race.

To paraphrase Basil Fawlty—

Name – Wilbur Gray of Montreal. Special subject – The Bleeding Obvious.

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.

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In 1996, Cuba Gooding Jr. appeared in the hit movie Jerry Maguire, which won him an Oscar several months later. It would be understandable if anyone thought at that point that even bigger things were on the way for him, but something happened along the way. That something being his major studio star status slowly transforming into being an actor in direct-to-video productions. The Devil’s Tomb is typical of the bulk of direct-to-video movies Gooding has appeared in during recent years. It’s not only bad, it provokes its audiences into asking: Just what happened, Cuba?

ROAD HOUSE

Patrick Swayze is a bouncer/philosopher who teachers the bouncers of the Double Deuce the ancient art of bouncing, saves the town from a corrupt businessman, and falls in love with a female doctor who does a lot more than kiss on the second date.

Review Snippet:
The Double Deuce is a bar well past its prime. It might even have died and come back as a reanimated corpse, instead of the regular cycle of death, reincarnation, and rebirth. A normal night is filled with fights and illegal drug sales, and it ends with the bouncers all nursing black eyes and bloody knuckles. It’s more of a brawl than a party. Turning a place like the Double Deuce around should require either mounted riot police or flamethrowers, but all it takes is Dalton. He spends just one evening observing before firing the troublemakers and changing all the rules.

To simplify things, let’s just say that Dalton teaches the bouncers the ancient art of bouncing.

Lesson Learned:
Presbyterians believe that the 11th Commandment is “Thou shalt not rent thine loft to the Hottentots.”

Yeah, so real life apparently decided it didn’t want me to watch any movies during the final quarter of 2011.  I’m back now, though, with a moderately-sized update to whet your appetites for the double-gimongous B-Fest Review Roundup that will probably guarantee that I’ll be late for February’s  roundtable, too…

The Art of Love (1983), in which– surprise, surprise– there’s a whole lot o’ screwin’ going on in first-century Rome…

The Car (1977), or, “Hermanos!  The Devil has built a hotrod!”

The Craft (1996), in which shooting up the school is for suckers.  Why bring a gun to class when you can lay curses on the popular kids instead?

Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein (1972), in which we can count on Jesus Franco to remember that “Frankenstein” is the doctor’s name, even if we can’t count on him to make a movie that sane people would consider watchable…

Orca (1977), in which Captain Ahab is the whale…

and…

Repo Man (1984), in which unemployment can lead one to the damnedest places.