Just about everybody dreams of being a movie star someday, the same way we also dream about being rich, or famous, or powerful & influential. But what if you’re already rich, famous, powerful and/or influential? Hey, why not use your riches, fame, power & influence… to become a movie star? (Or, if you’re rich, famous, etc. because you are a movie star, haven’t you always wanted to direct?)
It’s easier than you might think. Chances are there’s some mercenary producer out there who’s anxious to give you your shot. Oh, it’s not because he has faith in your abilities. He just knows your name alone will be enough to draw in a few curious suckers and make him some easy money. Or maybe he really does believe in you — which is usually worse. Either way, whether you’re Clara Peller or Paris Hilton, Bruce Jenner or Liberace, Toonces the Cat or Shaq, you’re probably better off ignoring your producer and listening to audiences everywhere, as they scream…
DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!
All through August on the B-Master’s blog!
#1 by The Rev. on August 6, 2014 - 9:11 am
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Wait…they actually made a Toonces movie?? I’m kind of glad I didn’t know that, as I’m sure it would ruin those skits for me. I hope one of you poor bastards is going to review that because I’d love to know how the hell they tried to pull that off. (I want to say it’ll be Greywizard…although for some reason there’s a nagging suspicion that Will might be the one taking that hit.)
I can already name most of the movies featuring those listed people without having seen any of them. I suppose that says something…something I’m sure they’d rather not hear, but anyway.
There is an embarrassment of riches for Ken with a topic like this; I hope he will be able to join you all for this one. On the other hand, I’m having trouble coming up with one for Lyz.
Looking forward to the coming reviews!
#2 by Richard on August 6, 2014 - 1:37 pm
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I understand that while he was in exile in New York City, Leon Trotsky earned a little money taking small roles in the occasional movie. I wonder how many of those movies still exist….
#3 by Count Otto Black on August 7, 2014 - 9:06 am
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Norman Mailer! An abysmal “actor” who thoroughly deserves to be mocked because he was an utterly despicable human being; stabbing his wife, punching people for being gay – that sort of thing.
He also wrote a novel about Ancient Egypt in which somebody proves what a hard man he is by raping a lion. Sadly he didn’t get to make and star in a movie of that book – he probably would have insisted on doing the lion rape scene for real, the consequences of which might have taught him a valuable lesson.
See especially “Wild 90”, a sort of cross between “Reservoir Dogs” and “The Room”, in which the most interesting thing is the discovery that Norman Mailer drinks Old Granddad, the brand of American whiskey favored by James Bond, quite possibly for that reason.
And of course “Beyond The Law”. Apparently his behavior towards everybody else involved was so obnoxious that co-star Rip Torn attacked him with a hammer. Way to go, Rip!
#4 by Count Otto Black on August 7, 2014 - 9:16 am
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Oops! I was just looking up Mailer’s movie career, and apparently it was “Maidstone” in which Rip Torn attacked him with a hammer, and was consequently bitten by Mailer on the ear. What a lovely man!
#5 by Count Otto Black on August 12, 2014 - 1:12 pm
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Since this somewhat desultory series of articles apparently intends to focus entirely on sportsmen, what about Vijay Amritraj? Best known as a tennis champion, he seems to be a nice chap (unlike some – see above). Of course, he can’t act, but that wasn’t a problem for any of the other cast members in the notorious “Nine Deaths Of The Ninja”.
The question is, what on earth was he doing in “Octopussy” and “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home”? Was it some sort of contractual obligation, or did he just happen to wander onto the set?
#6 by El Santo on August 12, 2014 - 2:08 pm
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Oh, we’ve got some musicians in the lineup, too, and if I can write fast enough to squeeze in a second review for the roundtable, you’ll be seeing somebody coming in from an unusual profession indeed.
(I can’t answer your actual question, since this is the first I’ve ever heard of Vijay Amritraj, but you sounded like you could use some reassurance that we weren’t planning on covering nothing but athletes stinking up the place.)
#7 by Count Otto Black on August 12, 2014 - 5:52 pm
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Thanks for the reassurance, El Santo! I did think you lot might be going with the cliché of doing sportsmen only, since they’re the go-to guys for incredibly bad acting, along with pop stars, who are actually slightly better, since they do have to kind of act every time they get up on stage, rather than just run or jump or throw things.
Vijay Amritraj is a marginal case: a pleasant-looking fellow who is exactly what you’d imagine from the words “handsome Indian man”, and nothing more, though very good at tennis, apparently. I noticed him in “Nine Deaths Of The Ninja” because, unlike everybody else in the film, he’s not overacting, or indeed acting at all. He really does look as though he was some guy who happened to be passing and agreed to be in the movie because the real actor was ill, especially as Indians aren’t normally cast as characters called “Rankin”.
And then he pops up equally randomly in two Hollywood blockbusters, as if the producers suddenly realized that what the Bond and Trek franchises had been lacking up till then were guest appearances by Asian tennis stars. I totally forget whether he actually plays tennis in “Octopussy”, but I think not. He certainly doesn’t in the other two films.
Anyway: since I’m on a roll, how about Ringo Starr? He was adequate in those Beatles movies where he only had to play himself, and equally plausible in “That’ll Be The Day”, where he played a version of himself who didn’t get to join the Beatles, and was intended to be a crappy small-time rocker with infinitely less charisma than David Essex.
And he just about manages the task of being some random guy for Peter Sellers to do plot exposition at in “The Magic Christian”, except for that one scene where he decides he needs to do a token bit of acting and starts literally pulling faces for some extremely contrived reason.
But I think he was poorly cast as a Mexican bandit in “Blindman”, and he made a distinctly unconvincing Merlin in “Count Downe, Son Of Dracula”, though at least he was better than Harry Nilsson in the title rôle as a sort of cross between Blade and Barry Manilow (with the emphasis, alas, on the latter). Though of course he wasn’t meant to be very convincing as Pope Pius IX in “Lisztomania”, and I must admit that I’ve never seen “Caveman” so maybe he’s excellent in that. Though I suspect not.
PS – Can I do a guest review of something or other?
#8 by Braineater on August 12, 2014 - 6:56 pm
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Ringo is, let’s say, worthy of the material in “Caveman”. Let’s just leave it at that. But if you want an all-around terrible performance by an ex-Beatle, there’s nothing to compare to Paul McCartney writing and starring in — excuse me; “writing” and “starring” in — “Give My Regards to Broad Street”. In the world of dreadful 80’s musicals, not even “Can’t Stop the Music” is as pointless and thin.
#9 by Ken on August 17, 2014 - 12:01 am
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You could almost have a separate roundtable for former Olympians. Bruce Jenner, Mary Lou Retton, Mitch Gaylord, Harold Sakata, Johnny Weissmuller, Buster Crabbe… You know, some of them weren’t that bad; a few were even good, in the right role.
#10 by blake on August 20, 2014 - 8:01 am
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Were I a B-Master, my initial pick would be FIRESTORM with Howie Long or that ALIEN [SOMETHING] film with Lynn Holly Johnson.
#11 by The Rev. on August 20, 2014 - 11:00 pm
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Alien Predator(s). I have that one on my radar, as someone over at Jabootu a while back said it was actually pretty good.
I knew I recognized her name; she was the cute little gymnast in For Your Eyes Only. Apparently she was in Ice Castles, too.
I’ve been waiting to see if someone picks up that Howie Long movie. It’d be a good choice for the roundtable.
#12 by blake on August 21, 2014 - 7:34 am
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Nathan wrote up a short, but scathing review of WATCHER IN THE WOODS last year, which singled out her bad acting. I like how she comes on to Roger Moore in FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, who responds by offering to buy her an ice cream. At least Bond had his limits.