THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
In what’s got to be the most frustrating piece of B-movie news in a long time, it’s been announced that the new (if a movie that’s been sitting on the shelf since late 2014 can be called “new”) Amityville movie has been pulled from release yet again. It was originally scheduled to be released at the end of June, but is now on indefinite hold.
My guess is we’ll be able to see this movie’s eventual remake long before we get to see the actual movie.
Will Laughlin is the Braineater.
#1 by ronald on June 14, 2017 - 8:02 am
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Maybe they’re trying to cut a deal with DC so it turns out that the Amityville House is actually the House of Mystery and/or Secrets. Or that Night Force’s Baron Winters lives there.
#2 by Alaric on June 14, 2017 - 8:59 am
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I’d definitely see a Night Force movie.
#3 by The Rev. on June 14, 2017 - 11:15 am
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Curious as to whether Lyz is disappointed or relieved.
Probably both.
#4 by Jason Farrell on June 14, 2017 - 2:23 pm
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Exactly what you said, Rev
#5 by lyzard on June 14, 2017 - 8:42 pm
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JUST PUT THE GODDAMN THING ON DVD WILL YA!!!!!!!!!!??????????
The most positive spin I can put on this is they’re giving me time to catch up on the intervening franchise entries.
Speaking of which—some input, please, people: it is too soon for another of these reviews?
#6 by Alaric on June 14, 2017 - 10:57 pm
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It’s never too soon for ANY of your reviews.
#7 by RogerBW on June 15, 2017 - 5:57 am
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Nope!
That’s too short, apparently, so: I’ve got a bit behind on reading your reviews but I do particularly enjoy the series and thematic ones that look at how a particular idea gets reshaped in the hands of multiple crews.
#8 by DamonD on June 15, 2017 - 7:12 am
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No, I don’t think it’s too early. And I always look forward to reading any of your reviews, as it is. Even with this dog’s dinner of a series.
#9 by lyzard on June 15, 2017 - 7:50 am
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Aww, you guys are so sweet! Makes me feel like I should stop abusing you all via this franchise, though of course I won’t. 🙂
#10 by Alaric on June 15, 2017 - 8:30 am
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We get to read your wonderful reviews. YOU’re the one who has to actually watch the movies. I think we come out ahead. 🙂
#11 by The Rev. on June 16, 2017 - 3:04 pm
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Lyz, if you want to stop abusing us with Amityville, you could return to a different series, one which contains the review I’ve been waiting for you to update for years now. I’m sure I don’t have to tell anyone here which one I’m referring to…unless you’re new, in which case I mean King Kong vs. Godzilla.
#12 by Braineater on June 15, 2017 - 8:09 am
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Hell, my chief disappointment in all this is that if they don’t release the movie, you can’t write the review.
#13 by Richard on June 15, 2017 - 8:43 am
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How about a fake review?
#14 by Jason Farrell on June 15, 2017 - 11:40 am
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Amityville films reviews are what you have been put on this Earth to do.
#15 by lyzard on June 16, 2017 - 6:30 pm
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You mean they’re all St Peter is going to judge me on? Cool! (And phew!!)
#16 by Redcrow on June 17, 2017 - 10:18 am
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Everyone said everything I wanted to say, so I’m just going to agree with previous orators.
(When The House went on sale, I secretly wondered if you’ll be the one to buy it. I guess it wasn’t you in the end, otherwise you’d probably mention it.)
#17 by Braineater on June 17, 2017 - 2:48 pm
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Both the original Amityville house and its much more interesting sibling, the Movie House, have been sold in recent years. The Movie House, which (unbeknownst to me) I lived about a quarter mile away from as a young teen, was damaged in Superstorm Sandy and sold for under $400,000… it’s since been renovated and is close to a million-dollar property now. It’s riverfront.
Had I known the Movie House was for sale back then, I’d probably have launched a Kickstarter campaign to buy it for Lyz as a vacation home. But alas, it’s another missed opportunity. Then again, Toms River, NJ is not the most pleasant area in the world these days, and what’s more, those famous windows have long since been removed.
#18 by The Rev. on June 16, 2017 - 3:05 pm
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It’s never too soon for ANY of your DAMMIT SOMEONE ALREADY WROTE THAT
Umm…
Another Lyz Amityville review? It’s about time.
NAILED IT
#19 by lyzard on June 16, 2017 - 6:23 pm
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I’m trapped and can’t escape these films—it’s the AMITYVILLE CURSE!!!!!!
(And boy, isn’t that looking less terrible with every added franchise entry??)
#20 by Jason Farrell on June 22, 2017 - 12:52 pm
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We all know the rules changed after AMITYVILLE 4: THE ONE WITH PATTY DUKE, that you no longer have to be in the home. You probably bought a towel bar at a flea market and that was more than enough.
#21 by Alaric on June 16, 2017 - 7:40 pm
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Looking at the Wikipedia entry for this movie, the synopsis looked boringly generic. I mean, I get that when you have this many films in a franchise like this you have to tread a fine line between making each movie different, on the one hand, and not alienating your audience by making a movie that strays too far from the original concept, on the other, but if I were making the latest Amityville movie, I’d be very tempted to have the house (with the classic eye-windows, of course) turn out to be the head of a giant lumbering monster which has been sleeping all this time, which wakes up, bursts out of the ground, and starts destroying the neighborhood.
#22 by Braineater on June 16, 2017 - 8:01 pm
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See, now that was going to be the big surprise climax in my screenplay, Amityville Sharknado, in which Father Finn teams up with sexy meteorologist Meg O’Donal to convince Admiral Sharkey of the Navy Strategic Weather Command that the “epicenter” of the deadly Great White Sharknado is heading from Amity… to Amityville. See, Amity plus Evil equals Amit-eville, as foretold in the suppressed book of the Bible, Revelations II: Evangelic Boogaloo. Complicating things is the arrival of Admiral Sharkey’s adopted half-ninja daughter Meiko Sharkey, who has now become an eco-ninja determined to prevent the Strategic Weather Command from using nuclear weapons on the Long Island sharks, which is (of course) what they plan to do. And it all ends up with flying sharks everywhere, and a familiar window-eyed building rising up out of the ground and wreaking havoc.
But I guess you’ve beaten me to the punch, so I’ll just call the Asylum and tell them the deal’s off.
#23 by The Rev. on June 16, 2017 - 10:40 pm
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I WANT THIS TO BE A THING
Actually, considering their output, I don’t think the Asylum will give up on a script simply because it’s ripping off someone else’s ideas…
#24 by ronald on June 17, 2017 - 11:04 am
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“I WANT THIS TO BE A THING”
Well, everything is, so it works out. 😉
To things that are things!
http://sinfest.net/view.php?date=2013-05-22
#25 by Ken on June 17, 2017 - 9:43 am
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Throw in HAARP to appeal to the conspiracy demographic.
#26 by ronald on June 17, 2017 - 11:03 am
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You could also while away the time with yet ANOTHER franchise. I mean, you don’t expect people to actually WATCH these movies themselves, do you? 😉