When “Were-WHAT?” came up as the next B-Masters roundtable topic, my immediate reaction was, “Oh, no…” Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun topic. But off-model lycanthropy is so much fun that it’s been one of my go-to subgenres for eighteen years. I’ve done were-cats; I’ve done were-snakes; I’ve done were-bugs. The whole cabal did were-jellyfish in 2009. I’ve even done a were-Gorgon, plus that one movie where Raymond Burr thinks he’s a were-gorilla. So it was a real challenge to come up with a were-whatsit weird enough to be worthy of the present undertaking. I think you’ll agree, though, that a vampiric were-reindeer amply fits the bill. And as is my wont, I reviewed a bunch of other stuff, too:

Alligator (1980), in which dumping unwanted baby alligators and hormone-contaminated dog carcasses into the same sewer is a stupid thing to do…

Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb (1971), in which storing the preserved body of an ancient sorceress in your basement isn’t a whole lot smarter…

Carmilla (1989), in which taking on a teenage vampire as a houseguest might be the dumbest thing of all…

Deadly Games (1980), in which a slasher tears through the setting of a 70’s prime-time soap opera that never was…

The Flesh and the Fiends (1959), in which those anatomy class cadavers have to come from somewhere

Halloween II (1981), in which the Boogeyman gets demoted…

The Phantom (1931), in which a bunch of weary old Spooky House cliches go on an insane Xanax-and-Thunderbird bender, and wind up passed out under your back porch…

and…

The Velvet Vampire (1971), in which the director of The Student Nurses practices her Jean Rollin impression.

 
 
 

El Santo rules the wasteland-- and also 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting.


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