Get it the puck away from me!

Score: A Hockey MusicalThe dismal Score: A Hockey Musical only works as proof Canadian filmmakers have pretty much no understanding of the taste of the mass public, as well as pretty much no ability to tell a compelling story.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.

The winter then?

2019: After The Fall Of New YorkWhile obviously heavily influenced by a certain John Carpenter movie, 2019: After The Fall Of New York actually turns out to be a quite decent Italian clone.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.

Not much of a clue as to what is funny

Inspector ClouseauThe most obscure entry in the Pink Panther movie series, Inspector Clouseau could have been much worse, but they really shouldn’t have tried.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.

Spread it around (my review, that is)

PlagueYou should only see Plague if you want to see how a Canadian response to a pandemic could be worse than in real life.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.

Brahmsin’ II: Porcelain Boy-galoo

Brahms: The Boy II
Brahms: The Boy II (2020)

In which a violent home invasion is only a Tragic Overture to the Song of Destiny that follows.

The sequel to the 2016 film The Boy is yet another horror story dragged out of a piece of porcelain — and I don’t mean the doll (cf. Greywizard’s post, below). Like The Turning, which came out the month before, it squanders a promising opening; but this time, it not only manages to undercut itself, it also reaches back and ruins the previous movie.

FUN UNRELATED TRIVIA: Famed composer Johannes Brahms played piano in a Hamburg whorehouse when he was young. Also, his voice remained boyishly high-pitched well into his early adulthood.

Will Laughlin is the Braineater.

These kings have porcelain thrones

Kings And Desperate MenThe little seen Kings And Desperate Men is one of the worst examples of Canadian tax shelter product.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.

Don’t read this review

… unless you’ve either seen The Turning (2020) already, or you’re so bored with self-quarantine, curfew, and Social Distancing that you just don’t care. Really, you shouldn’t care… The Turning isn’t all that good. But if you want to wait, and see for yourself what prompted groans of outrage from both critics and audiences when the movie was first released, then do NOT read this review. The reader is warned.

The TurningIf you have seen it, then you probably have a good idea why I wanted to write a review full of spoilers. There’s so much about The Turning that almost works that I felt we all had to be missing something: some explanation for why… certain things… turned out the way they did. I think I found that explanation. Meta-spoiler alert: the explanation isn’t necessarily a good one. In fact, it’s kind-of a mess. But a lot about The Turning turned out to be a mess. Take the screen shot I’m using to illustrate this post — it’s one of the most vivid images from the movie’s trailer. But the trailer’s the only place you’ll see it: it never made it to the finished film. In fact, it doesn’t even remotely belong in the finished film. Yes, The Turning felt a lot more like The Screwing to those of us that suffered through it in theaters, but at least it has the distinction of being an interesting failure.

(Ahh, go on. Read it anyway.)

Will Laughlin is the Braineater.

Knows the right way to crash and burn

Wheels Of FireThe Filipino actioner Wheels Of Fire manages to be an above average example of 1980s post-holocaust cinema as well as an above average effort for prolific director Cirio H. Santiago.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.

Huh. I seem to be doing better already…

Not one of these reviews was like pulling teeth to write:

Cat-Women of the Moon (1953), which frankly looks depressingly timely again 67 years later…

Daughter of the Mind (1969), in which Ray Milland ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but the people he works for are very much afraid of Communists…

Forbidden World (1982), which is exactly the Alien ripoff you’d expect from New World Pictures…

Gretel & Hansel (2020), in which the title isn’t the only thing about the old fairy tale to get turned in a new direction…

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), in which Moustapha Akkad pushes his luck just a little too far…

The Invincible Barbarian (1982), which might well have been the very first Italian Conan cash-in out of the gate…

and…

2020 Texas Gladiators (1983), in which we ponder the prospect of a movie to which Joe D’Amato and George Eastman were unwilling to sign their usual pseudonyms.

 

 

 

El Santo rules the wasteland-- and also 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting.

Glad this didn’t give birth to a sequel

BreedersDespite its best efforts to be sleazy, Breeders is a cold and passionless exercise.
Keith Bailey is the proprietor of The Unknown Movies Page.