Larry Buchanan, still active after half a century in the movie business, is a legend in low-low-low-budget cinema. Buchanan is probably best known for his ultra-cheap remakes of other people’s movies, or even other people’s lives (in his, um, highly speculative bio-pics of Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison, Jean Harlowe and most recently, Jesus Christ). Yet even when the subject matter was his own, his movies tended to bear as little resemblance to good cinema as, say, a third-generation copy of a newspaper photo has to a Seurat painting.
Still, you have to admire a guy who could create so much viewer agony out of so few resources.
Naturally, it was only a matter of time before the B-Masters decided to test the limits of human endurance, by journeying into Buchanan’s shadowy netherworld…
|And You Call Yourself A Scientist!||Curse Of The Swamp Creature||“Dr Simond Trent is a Mad Scientist par excellence. He rants. He sneers. He threatens. He twitches. He smirks. He speaks with heavy irony (never descending to mere sarcasm, of course). In short – he barely shuts up from the pre-credit sequence set in his laboratory to the closing scene of his comeuppance at the hands of his unnatural creation. (Oops! Hope I didn’t spoil anything for you there!)”|
|B-Notes||Mars Needs Women||“Martians exit the saucer. They’re wearing utilitarian silver uniforms (spray painted wetsuits). Two of them carry highly advanced portable illumination devices (Eveready brand flashlights). One of them brandishes an intimidating Martian rifle. (It’s a spear gun. Well, why not? They’ve already got the wetsuits.)”|
|Bad Movie Report||The Naked Witch||“The Student re-buries the Witch, his narration musing whether ‘she was witch… or wronged widow. It’s not for me to say.’ Well, I have a clue for you, College Boy… SHE WAS WALKIN’ AROUND KILLIN’ PEOPLE A HUNDRED FREAKIN’ YEARS AFTER SHE DIED!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK????!!!!!“|
|Braineater||Zontar: the Thing from Venus||“We’ve established that all the power sources in the world have been stopped by the invader. Curt and Ann are involved in an earnest discussion about the sudden failure of their car. And just then, blissfully unaware of the world-wide catastrophe, two cars drive by in the background.”|
|Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension||It’s Alive||“It’s here that the film really earns its stripes. For just as Norman is about to bring about his fellow captives’ dooms, out from the pool leaps the film’s menace. And what a specimen it is. There’s a definite hierarchy of really bad B-Movie monsters. Ro-Man, the Giant Claw, the Sea Serpent, The Creeping Terror, etc, are at its acme. The beastie here, however, ranks right up there. Prior to this the film was merely dull and plodding. This one scene transforms it into a comic masterpiece.”|
|Stomp Tokyo||Mistress of the Apes||“Meanwhile, Susan seeks out the ‘Near-Men’ tribe and does her best to Fossey her way into their good graces, though she takes a couple of extra steps Dian never did. If you’re wondering what those steps are, we suggest you read the title of the movie again.”|
|Teleport City||Creature of Destruction||“It’s the kind of monster suit that makes you appreciate how realistic the monsters were in the old Ultraman shows.”|
|The Unknown Movies||The Loch Ness Horror||“If Albert Pyun and Andy Sidaris somehow were able to have a kid together, the kid would likely have the same skill level of filmmaking as Buchanan. The kid would inherit Pyun’s taste for generally stupid and unbelievable premises, along with characters in these premises doing things in an equally stupid and unbelievable manner. From Sidaris, he would inherit an ability to present everything (even prime exploitation material) in the dullest and most boring way possible, as well as an ability to make production values look like those from a home movie. One Buchanan is enough, so I pray both that Pyun and Sidaris are not gay, and that they never walk by a nuclear power plant on their way to a motel room.”|