|And You Call Yourself A Scientist!||The Butterfly Effect||It simply isn’t possible to hate a film whose ultimate moral is that, yes, all the bad stuff in the world is Ashton Kutcher’s fault; and, yes, many people would be better off if Ashton Kutcher had never come into their lives.|
|Braineater||El Santo in The Treasure of Dracula||In the meantime, unbeknownst to the little group, a sinister figure has crept up to the Sepúlveda residence and is listening intently. Obviously he’s some kind of Master Criminal, because he’s dressed in dark clothes, and is apparently wearing a mask with a fez underneath!|
|Cold Fusion Video Reviews||Future Hunters||Michelle finds Professor Hightower’s work in the library; he’s one of the foremost experts on the spear of Longinus, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s a member of the faculty right here at the local university. (In, L.A., I mean. Where this is taking place. Not in the Phillipines, where of course this is not taking place.)|
|Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension||Future War||And it brought a man who would change my life forever,” she continues in her vibrant monotone. “But also came a pack of dinosaur-like creatures, in various ages [??], shapes, sizes, and its masters.” Yes, that’s a direct transcription. I listened to the line like five times, just to make completely sure. I guess it’s more or less grammatically correct, but yeesh. By the way, I like the fact that the man changes her life, whereas, apparently, the dinosaur-like creatures in all their varied splendor had at best only a transitory effect. “For all the questions I had about the heavens,” she concluded, “all it brought was hell on Earth.” I’ll say this; somebody here really has mastered the syntax of Ed Wood, Jr.|
|Stomp Tokyo||Timecop||OK, so the makers of Timecop got a few things wrong. Cars today don’t look that different from the vehicles being manufactured in the factories of 1994. Most folks would love to eliminate spam down to the point that they receive only six e-mail messages a day. Time travel is still the stuff of fantasy. To its credit, however, the film does feature a politician with no discernable skills who is convinced he can win the U.S. Presidential election so long as he has enough money to buy endless ads on TV.|
|Teleport City||Yor, The Hunter from the Future||Reb Brown is no Charlton Heston and Yor, The Hunter from the Future is
no Planet of the Apes. It’s barely even Goin’ Ape.
|The Unknown Movies||Time Trackers||The most popular suggestion when it comes to time travel always seems to be one that proposes the killing of Hitler before he could do any of his crimes. No one, for some reason, ever suggests doing the same for Stalin, even though he probably can be considered a bigger butcher. (Guess fascism isn’t as cool as communism.) No one also seems to bring up the possibility that had Hitler not been around, quite possibly even worse individuals or worse scenarios may have eventually popped their ugly heads into our timeline. It’s hard to think about “responsibility” with time travel.|