As is his wont and his curse, Nathan at Cold Fusion Video Reviews holds an annual “Month of the Living Dead” in October. The rest of the Cabal decided to join in for 2004. This is the zombie horde that resulted.




After Death (aka Zombie 4: After Death) (1988) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting You know, it seems almost fairy-tale appropriate that Claudio Fragasso, one of Europe’s worst screenwriters, would end up marrying a woman whose writing is even worse than his. And it seems comparably fitting that Fragasso would leave the set of Bruno Mattei’s worst zombie flick and turn right around to direct one of his own that is in many respects even more imbecilic.
Cold Fusion Video Reviews You really have to step back in apprehension at any film that would willingly adopt the free-for-anyone-who-wants-it “Zombie #” title. I mean, if your movie sucks so badly that association with Zombie 3 would help its profitability…
Binge & Purge (2003) Cold Fusion Video Reviews Hey, far be it from me to argue that cannibalism isn’t, like, inherently cool and all, but there are only so many scenes of the camera lingering lovingly over bloody smiles and rubbery guts you can sit through before that fast-forward button looks awfully inviting.
Day of the Dead (1985) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting But Romero is still Romero, even when he isn’t at the top of his game, and Day of the Dead does at least succeed in making a suitable closing argument for what might plausibly be seen as the main overarching theme of the entire trilogy: no matter how dire the threat from outside, man will always be his own worst enemy.
Cold Fusion Video Reviews If the living would simply get on the same page, the dead would be no danger; it’s because each band of survivors can’t arrive at a concensus or achieve any sort of organizational purpose that these slow-moving, almost brainless zombies have a chance to overcome the living.
Deadline (2002) Cold Fusion Video Reviews Of course, I could cheat and quote extensively from the DVD cover, but if I did that, you’d get this:

Jenny Visser, verslaggeefster bij Nieuws Net Negentien, bereid om voor een primeur over lijken te gaan…

Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (1980) Braineater Soon after, Wilson and Fiona go to hire a boat to take them to Cat Island. The only one who will take them is the foreigner O’Hara, since the local people dread the place. The island gets its name from a legend that the dead walk there, under the orders of a sinister black cat (“Well,” says Esme, my own black cat, “they may be as dumb as living humans, but at least they understand the proper order of things.”).
Evil of Frankenstein (1964) Teleport City Look, I’m already being easier on this film than a lot of Hammer fans tend to be. It’s not up to the standards of the Frankenstein series, but taken on it’s own it isn’t really all that bad. But no amount of politeness can change the fact that this is some of the shoddiest make-up work Hammer has ever slapped together.
Goregoyles: First Cut (2003) Cold Fusion Video Reviews The priest gets very prickly very quickly, despite the fact that this is probably the most reasonable-sounding claim of possession he’s heard this week. Gee, someone has the affrontery to approach a church based on the life of an itinerant exorcist and ask for help with an exorcism? The very nerve!
The Horrible Doctor Bones (2000) Cold Fusion Video Reviews As you know, I’m not a fan of rap, hiphop, or what has somehow come to masquerade as “soul” since the death of Marvin Gaye, so maybe I’m not the right guy to say whether the Urban Protectors’ musical skills fall under the label of an Informed Attribute. From where I stand, their main appeal lies in Lisa’s amazing double-jointed posterior.
House of the Dead (2003) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting With House of the Dead, Boll would go out of his way to duplicate the feel and flavor of a mindless first-person shooter, and to the extent that the resulting film is both utterly mindless and endowed with a great deal of shooting (some of which is even shown from first-person perspective), I suppose we have to reckon it some strange new species of success.
Legion of the Dead (2001) Cold Fusion Video Reviews By the end of this movie, I had come to the conclusion that it had been written, filmed and distributed for the sole and specific purpose of annoying the hell out of me.
Night of the Creeps (1986) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting It will also fall to Cameron to handle the situation when the space-slugs start turning every dead body that finds its way onto the Corman University campus into deadly zombies with explosive noggins. This may not sound at first like all that big a job, but when a bus accident wipes out the entire Beta Epsilon fraternity in one fell swoop on the night of the fall formal, the number of zombies generated is really quite considerable.
Noctem (2003) Braineater There’s also a chewed-upon corpse behind the counter, which doesn’t make much sense: do video store clerks continue to show up for work after the End of the World?
Orgy of the Dead (1965) Braineater As written by Wood and played by Criswell, the Lord of the Dead is apparently one of Hell’s mid-level bureaucrats, who’s taking the night off from the endless paperwork to hit the strip clubs. There he sits, sprawled in his chair, chatting amicably with his assistant, the “Black Ghoul”, about eternal punishment. He says things like, “I would see for approval…” as though he were at one of Satan’s board meetings. He’s the least-menacing Lord of Darkness ever captured on film, especially with that hair of his — hair I’ll bet nobody in Hell has the heart to mention.
Raiders of the Living Dead (1985) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Later that night and in what I take to be the next town over, a man whom we will eventually come to know as newspaper reporter Morgan Randall (Robert Deveau, who recently turned up with a small part in The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra) is driving around with a woman whom we will never come to know at all in pursuit of some sort of news which will never be explained to us either. Damn you, Sam Sherman.
Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension Perhaps strolling along the top of a tanker truck on a public thoroughfare, with a rifle strapped to your back, isn’t the stealthiest way to hijack such a vehicle. A police radio call is quickly issued. We begin cutting between a patrol car, its siren a’wailing, and the truck as it stolidly makes its way down the road. ‘Exciting’ music plays to assure us that all these elements add up to a whole heap of urgent, gut-wrenching thrills. This is probably a good idea, as we might not otherwise have noticed.
Re-Animator (1985) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting We all know where this is going, right? West likes the house because the underground basement gives him a perfect space in which to set up a little mad lab, while the fact that the house comes complete with a cat he can’t stand might be seen as a further amenity— instant lab animal, you know?
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004) Braineater There are several problems with this setup as the end of one movie and the beginning of another. The first is that the best possible sequel to the first film, incorporating the same opening scene, had already been made: it’s Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later.
Revelation 22:22 (2004) Cold Fusion Video Reviews And there are some pluses to making a Romero fan flick over a Star Wars one. For one thing, abandoned real estate and thrift-store clothes are a lot easier to come by than Tunisian exteriors and vacuformed Stormtrooper uniforms. And for another, if you accidentally end up making money on your zombie epic, you don’t have to fear the assault of a legion of Jedi lawyers.
Undead (2003) Stomp Tokyo Once the brain-devouring scenes begin, the picture rather unfortunately degenerates into an hour-long recreation of the worst shouting matches from previous zombie flicks and homage after homage to previous horror and science fiction films.
Braineater In an era when the video store shelves are crammed to bursting with zombie films from every wannabe director with a home camcorder and some red food coloring, here at last is a startup effort made with such care, craftsmanship, intelligence, and above all talent that it shows up most other zombie flicks for the drivel they are.
Vampires vs. Zombies (2003) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Before you ask, no. Vince D’Amato is in no way related to Joe D’Amato— hell, he isn’t even Italian, except presumably by ancestry. He does, however, have certain features in common with old Joe, in that he is an appallingly bad filmmaker who understands well the appeal of a good lesbian scene.
White Zombie (1932) And You Call Yourself a Scientist! White Zombie almost defies conventional criticism. Much of the acting is bad – very bad; the sparse dialogue is, on the whole, equally undistinguished; yet these defects seem barely to matter when set in the context of the film’s superb style and eerie, dreamlike atmosphere. This is one of those rare films where, you feel, the planets must have aligned during production: nothing that any of the participants created in later years comes close to matching the technical virtuosity on display here. White Zombie is a minor masterpiece, a nightmare in chiaroscuro.
Zombie ’90: Extreme Pestilence (1991) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting If Andreas Schnaas had set out deliberately to make the shittiest zombie movie in the world, he couldn’t have done a whole lot worse than Zombie ‘90: Extreme Pestilence.
Zombie Bloodbath (1993) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting A couple years later, the reactor complex has been razed and its extensive network of underground tunnels sealed off. And because land is in such short supply out on the Great Plains (ouch… I think I just pulled a muscle rolling my eyes at that one), there’s now a nice, new, expensive suburban housing development sitting right on top of those sealed-up tunnels full of sealed-up zombies.
Zombie Bloodbath 2: Rage of the Undead (1994) 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting And most of all, the increased emphasis on character and dialogue simply makes it that much clearer that Sheets hasn’t got a clue how to write either one convincingly, while simultaneously taking time away from the hungry undead who are really intended to be the main attraction. By getting better, Sheets has paradoxically found a way to become even worse.
Zombie Lake (1980) And You Call Yourself a Scientist! There are many ways in which a film can be bad, of course; and perhaps the sick fascination exerted by Zombie Lake stems from the fact that it manages to be all of them at once.