10,000 B.S.

Know, O prince, that many centuries ago, in the distant past, heroes walked the earth. These gods among men — and women — had chest measurements that dwarfed their IQs, and fought their mightiest battles clad in skimpy loincloths. Yes, these were heroes indeed: fearless warriors who ran up against wizards, gladiators, dragons, robots, dinosaurs, cave-men, pharaohs, zombies, aliens, and hang-gliders — sometimes all at the same time — yet never stopped to ask, “What the &%@*!??!” as they tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under their sandaled feet.

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And You Call Yourself A Scientist! Prehistoric Women (1950) In a helpless, stumbling, bumbling sort of way, this is a refreshingly optimistic little film; and one, moreover, that strives—well, not for accuracy, precisely, but a kind of credibility….at least unlike the duck in the Halloween mask shows up.
And You Call Yourself A Scientist! The Sword And The Sorcerer (1982) So, all in all, The Sword And The Sorcerer is a pretty good film. Except for the sword. And the sorcerer.
And You Call Yourself A Scientist! Conan The Barbarian (1982) It is this above all that separates Conan The Barbarian from the inevitable flood of imitations that appeared in the wake of its success. The majority of these knock-offs took their cue from the first of the Conan cash-ins, The Sword And The Sorcerer, and acknowledge themselves to be no more than a bit of silly fun, often playing their material for camp. Conan The Barbarian, on the other hand, behaves like – and demands to be treated as – high art.
Badmovies.org Ator the Fighting Eagle There is more than a passing resemblance between Ator and Conan the Barbarian. Both of their villages are wiped out by the evil warriors, both are trained by sword masters who display Eastern influences, and both sleep with crazy witch women. Oh, and both lose blonde warrior babes who die after spitting up blood. However, since Ator is rated PG, the scene with the crazy witch woman seducing the barbarian is a lot less interesting.
Braineater Quest for the Mighty Sword Ator’s wife… that is, Ator senior‘s wife, and Ator junior‘s mother… really is the same character from the first film. But although her name was Sunya in the original, here it’s been shortened to “Sunn”. That’s right: not only was the elder Ator’s wife his sister, the younger Ator’s mother was his father’s Sunn. And I’m my own grandpa.
Cold Fusion Video Reviews Conqueror of the World There is, apparently, one caveman tribe with a bear head that they worship. They keep it at the front of a cave, with one sleepy person to guard it (while another of his tribe fingerpaints on the rocks out of sight — and where did he get the bright blue pigment?). The hunting party of another tribe creeps up on the cave, kills the two guards, beheads them, and takes the bear head and the human heads back to their camp, where they chop open the [latex replicas barely resembling the] human heads and chow down on the brains. This is accompanied by dialog which goes like this: “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!”
The Unknown Movies The Sword Of The Barbarians Director Tarantini seems to have no idea how to choreograph and film swordplay, with the result that you often have no idea who is dying and how. When an Italian movie can’t even deliver some half decent action, you know that something is very wrong.
Teleport City When Women Lost Their Tails Regardless of whether or not the viewer is in line with When Women Lost Their Tails’ political viewpoint, I think he or she has to agree that it is a much more interesting film with it than it would be without. The cinematic landscape is littered with knuckleheaded sex farces set against a broadly satirical historical backdrop – with not an inconsiderable number set in the Stone Age among them. But, with When Women Lost Their Tails, what we get is like the lyrics of a Gang of Four song acted out within the context of a slightly naughty fanfic version of The Flintstones. If nothing else, it certainly makes for unique viewing, and offers enough in terms of audacity alone to keep one watching until the end.
Teleport City Sorceress Sword and sorcery movies are perhaps the purest distillation of a ten-year-old boy’s mind that a ten-year-old boy could ever hope for. Yes, yes, I know. Ten year old boys were too young to watch such filth. We were also too young to read Heavy Metal magazine, know who Sylvia Kristel was, and have opinions about the best Playmates. Sword and sorcery movies were great because not only could you stay up late and watch the R-rated ones, but even the PG ones were full of everything we wanted: monsters, gore, and big-boobed chicks wearing tiny fur bikinis, if they were wearing anything at all. And if that represents the purest distillation of a ten-year-old boy’s mind, then the movie Sorceress represents a sort of cask strength version of that particular spirit. Because Sorceress asks the question, “Sure, what if you had all that, but also the heroes are hot, naked twins?”
Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension Gor There follows a series of pretty unbelievable ‘accidents’ in which Cabot’s Clouseau-like bumbling leaves a couple of the men, including the Son of Sarm, dead. This scene is particularly moronic. Again, the Cabot in the books was apparently a master with a sword. Here our ‘hero’ is a hapless mook who stands there or falls over himself while his enemies conveniently kack themselves. And since inevitably he’s going to have to transform into a mighty warrior, well, this ain’t helping our suspension of disbelief any.
Teleport City Amazons vs. Supermen “This can’t be right,” I thought. “This sounds awesome, but I distinctly remember the movie being so incredibly boring that I almost gave up on finishing it.” But then the fog cleared, and I remembered that part of what makes Amazons vs. Supermen such a colossal disappointment is that, in summary, it sounds like so much fun. But it isn’t. Star Aldo Canti was a stuntman, and he throws himself into the physical aspect of the movie with reckless gusto. He spends nearly every moment of his screen time running, jumping, throwing things, flipping around, and bouncing up and down on hidden trampolines, but his zest for jumping over things is undercut by by indifferent direction, bad pacing, and too many comical sound effects.
Teleport City Beastmaster The success of this first wave of sword and sorcery films paved the way for a second wave. Amongst this crop was The Beastmaster. The Beastmaster, like the others was not a runaway hit when it was released. To be fair though, it was up against some pretty stiff competition, including ET – the Extra Terrestrial, An Officer and a Gentleman and The Road Warrior (or Mad Max 2 as it will always been known to me). But the film did reasonable business, making around three-million dollars in the United States, which was about a third of the films production costs. The film did well in Europe, on video, and became a mainstay on cable television. It has been reported that a comedian remarked that the meaning of HBO was not Home Box Office, but “Hey, Beastmaster‘s On.”
1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Conquest (1983) Maxz recovers quickly, though, and with a little help from his animal friends, he overtakes Ocron’s troops before they’ve reached their destination. You know, for a guy who claims that all men are his enemies, he sure does spend a lot of time saving Illias’s ass…
1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Ironmaster (1983) Wait— Ironmaster?! A movie set in the stone age is called Ironmaster?!?! Yes. And we are indeed talking about the same Ironmaster whose sun-faded box you remember seeing at your local mom-and-pop video rental shop back in VHS days, the one with the cover art more appropriate to a Conan cash-in, or better yet, a Man-o-War album.
1000 Misspent Hours and Counting 10,000 BC (2008) Suddenly, I am forced to confront a truly world-shaking possibility: maybe Roland Emmerich was never really the problem. True, he served as director for all of the mostly worthless sci-fi action movies he made with Dean Devlin throughout the 1990’s, and one tends to assign directors the largest share of the credit or blame for how the films they work on turn out, except when some other factor (exceptionally witty dialogue, tragically insufficient funding, etc.) clearly outweighs their contributions. True also that Emmerich helped write those hypertrophic wastes of celluloid, seemingly redoubling his culpability. And yet 10,000 BC suggests instead that perhaps we should have considered Devlin the senior partner in their eight-year reign of cinematic terror, for it pairs Emmerich with a different producer (fifteen of them, in point of fact) and a different co-writer, and contrary to all defensible expectations, it isn’t that bad!


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