Secret Santa's Revenge

Our blog visitors must have been extra good this year… because Santa has brought them an extra special present. And the B-Masters? Oh, they’re getting lumps of coal. If they’re lucky

Last year, the B-Masters celebrated [sic.] the ten-year anniversary of Brainathon ’99 by inflicting on themselves and everyone else Stingathon ’09. And now another anniversary is due, possibly the greatest test of friendship ever devised:




Read, and discover what the B-Masters found in their stockings:

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Cold Fusion Video Reviews Titanic: The Animated Movie The Unknown Movies Page Despite having only fifty-six minutes of story (plus a whopping thirteen minutes of credits to bring it up to minimum feature length), the “story” we see is actually a single main thread compounded by a half-dozen abortive subplots, as if there were as many uncredited screenwriters in addition to writer/director Camillo Teti who added a few pages unrelated to anything anybody else wrote. Maybe the goal was to make it appear “epic,” but with under an hour of actual narrative, it instead feels like one of those fever dreams which changes plot so often that even the dreamer is left confused.
The Unknown Movies Page Whoops! Apocalypse 1000 Misspent Hours and Counting I did not laugh when the British prime minister was making a speech in parliament, while behind him a couple of dozen politicians were in a fist fight and a horse was stumbling through the aisles. I also didn’t chuckle the least bit later in the movie when a politician was sent a “Rambogram”, which consisted of a Stallone look-alike croaking out a message to the recipient. And when one character says, “We would sell our grandmothers for such a man”, guess what supposed hilarity the movie immediately cuts to. This kind of attitude, of doing anything for a laugh instead of coming up with carefully thought out gags for a fictional yet somewhat more realistic world that usually should be limited (even for a comedy) as to what could possibly happen, is the kind of thing that has killed other comedy genres before.
Teleport City Armageddon: the Final Challenge Cold Fusion Video Reviews There is a point at which a movie fails so utterly on every imaginable level that it can longer legitimately claim to be a movie. Armageddon: The Final Challenge certainly approaches that point, mercilessly assaulting the viewer with a plodding tedium so profound that even a seasoned veteran of such movies is in danger of being crushed beneath the weight of the boredom. This isn’t one of those “nothing makes sense, and it’s all hilarious!” movies. No, no, good sir or madam. This is a “nothing makes sense even though almost the entire movie is people talking to each other.” It’s like being stuck in a room with a stoner explaining in minute detail a dream he once had.
1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Monstrosity Braineater Later that very day, Mark gets together with his two closest friends, Scott (Michael Lunsford, of Surgikill) and Carlos (Joe Balogh, from Moonstalker and Black Demons), and broaches the subject of bringing the men who battered, raped, and killed Ronnie to vigilante justice. There’s a bit of discussion over the morality of taking the law into their own hands, but the objections on which Scott and Carlos really harp are the practical ones— getting caught, being outmatched in a confrontation against a pack of psychos, that sort of thing. But then Carlos gets a brilliant idea. What if, instead of avenging Ronnie by going after Cole and his boys themselves, they built a golem, and sent it out to do the dirty work?
Braineater Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare The irony here is that these actresses were hired specifically to whip out their breasts, to supply the nudity that was required in Fasano’s contract with Shapiro Entertainment. For $50,000, Shapiro expected boobs, goddamnit! Boobs! But the agent in New York had already insisted that each of these actresses disrobe for him (and, according to director Fasano, the agent’s camera as well) before they were hired… with the explanation that once they got to the shooting set, they would not have to strip (hey, because that makes perfect sense…). This put Fasano in a bit of a bind. As a result, his lead actresses ended up being the ones to bare their chests for the camera, while the four other girls stayed clothed.
Intercessor: Another Rock’n’ Roll Nightmare Alas, time has caught up with the Mighty Thor, as it’s caught up to all of us who were in their prime in 1987. The same cruel process that turned Boy George into Donald Pleasence has worked to ensure our hero will not be taking off his shirt in this installment.
And You Call Yourself a Scientist! Escape from Galaxy 3 Teleport City In one respect Escape From Galaxy 3 manages to outdo its putative model, and that is in its costuming, which must be seen to be believed. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Starcrash had Caroline Munro in a leather space-bikini; surely Escape From Galaxy 3 couldn’t outdo that? Well, it does, but from an unexpected direction. The crowning glory of this film is its evil space overlord – you knew there would be an evil space overlord, right? – whose outfit makes Joe Spinell’s in Starcrash look like a model of dignified restraint. There is only one word to describe the fashion sense of Oraclon, the King of the Night, and that word is FABULOUS.
Bad Movie Report Frankenstein Island Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension If you frequent websites like this, you are likely already familiar with the name Jerry Warren. If this name does not mean anything to you yet… I have two things to say to you: 1) I envy you; and 2) RUN. RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. SAVE YOURSELF. The Spirit Bad Movie Report The Octopus returns to his subterranean lair with a mysterious box that he stole from a mysterious woman in a hole at the bottom of the city’s sea. When the super criminal opens the box, he finds that it is full of bling. He becomes very upset, because he didn’t want a box full of bling. What the Octopus was looking for was a vase in the box in the hole at the bottom of the sea.
Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension Tarzan the Ape Man And You Call Yourself a Scientist! And it’s here that finally, finally, we get the moment we’ve all supposedly been waiting for. No, dope, not the first appearance of Tarzan. (Remember him?) No, Bo is finally showing some boobage. And…look, it’s entirely nice boobage. First class stuff, really. But yea gods, it was a rough trip getting here. And now we’ve really just got more of the same to look forward to for the next hour and a quarter. Well, that and Tarzan, if he ever actually shows up.