Let’s face it – we’ve all got our fetishes.

Here at the B-Masters, we do try not to judge. Rather, we try to create an atmosphere where everyone is comfortable ‘fessing up to those little kinks and foibles that the real world just doesn’t understand. So when one of us – never mind which of us – lobbied for a Roundtable featuring the work of the more vertically challenged members of the acting community, the idea was embraced. There was no eyebrow-raising, no exchanging of significant looks. Because we’re all friends here. Because we all sympathise. Because we all want to help.

Because no-one wanted to tick off a man in uniform.

Oh. Ah. ‘Hem.

Anyway…why don’t you all join us over the next month as we take a look at those films in which some little people play a very big role?

They Might Be Giants

It’s THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS…all through May at the B-Masters’ blog!

Site Movie A Short Brief Preview
1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Time Bandits  The conqueror of Italy is in the bombed-out ruin of a huge theater, watching a Punch and Judy puppet show— “That’s what I like!” he exclaims within earshot of Randall’s gang, “Little things hitting each other!” Randall talks the harried and terrified proprietor into putting him and his followers on as the next act, and Bonaparte is so charmed by their slapstick antics that he goes backstage and invites them all to dine with him. Indeed, he goes so far as to make them his new general staff, dismissing his real generals in a fit of drunken pique.
1000 Misspent Hours and Counting Willow Bavmorda takes it upon herself to kill her foretold usurper in infancy, to which end she has her soldiers round up every pregnant woman in the realm for incarceration in her castle dungeon. Then the fortune-tellers can examine each baby as it is born for one of the morphologically improbable birthmarks that always seem to go along with prophecies of this sort. As soon as the right kid comes to light, Bavmorda will not only kill her, but subject her as well to a ritual that will banish her spirit to a dimension from which it can neither reincarnate itself nor exert any influence at all upon the mortal plane. This scheme pans out exactly as well as it did in The Beastmaster (or in the Bible, for that matter), for the mother of the prophesied deliverer manages to smuggle her child out of the dungeon in the hands of a compassionate cleaning lady. (Moral of the story: just let the damn prisoners languish in their own filth like a Borgia would have.)
And You Call Yourself a Scientist! The Corpse Vanishes The motorcycle cops report in, and soon all local law enforcement are on the look-out, with orders to stop all hearses, and vans and trucks of appropriate dimensions: Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Another abduction of a girl’s corpse! Brunette, twenty-two years of age—

Uh, it’s a dead girl in a wedding-dress. I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be specific about the hair colour. (“Sure, I got a dead bride in the back – but she’s a blonde!” “Oh, well, off you go, then!”)

And You Call Yourself a Scientist! Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971) You know, it isn’t only mad scientists who can create a single living entity from the cast-off parts of many others. Al Adamson used to do it too.
Badmovies.org Getting Lucky Even though Bill is the perfect person to help Lepkey out by making realistic wishes that qualify as good deeds, Lepkey’s abilities as a genie leave much to be desired. His wishes usually work, just not always in ways that are helpful. For example, Bill wishes for a new red Ferarri. What he gets is red and it is a car. However, it is not a Ferrari, it’s a Pinto. Which is indicative of what happens when you wish upon a recovering alcholic leprechaun.
Braineater Triunfo de los campeones justicieros And here’s where we have a major difference between the typical Agrasánchez flick and the kind of movie Rafael Lanuza was prepared to put his name to… There are only two dwarves in Triunfo de los campeones justicieros, instead of the usual crowd. But those two play the powerful villains, Quisisarél and his assistant Birsi, rather than the usual nameless henchmen. They even have lines! At no point is their stature played for laughs. At no point do they grapple with men many times their size. They are treated at all times with the respect due to interplanetary conquerors.
Cold Fusion Leprechaun Imagine, if you will, the movie idea that you and your friends come up with late Saturday night after several hours of diligent alcohol consumption, and which really seems hilarious through the fogs of hard liquor on your brain; now imagine that you type up the script on Sunday morning, with a hangover wrapping all of your senses and each individual neuron in soggy cotton that thuds along to your pulse. That’s pretty much the screenplay for Leprechaun.
Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension It’s a Small World She’s arrived to report that the fracas wasn’t Harry’s fault, that the other kids just pick on him because of his height. “I can’t figure it out,” Dad sighs. “I’ve beat him and I’ve pampered him and he just stays nothin’.” Yep, those are all the treatments recommended by Modern Science, all right. No wonder Dad is at his wit’s end.
Teleport City Champions of Justice We learn shortly that this dastardly killer is in fact part of a team of dwarf assassins (as well as three “regular” sized guys and evil masked luchador Black Shadow) employed by the villainous Dr. Marius Zarkoff, aka Mano Negra (aka actor David Silva), who was once brought to justice by the Champions of Justice and has dedicated his life to destroying them. For some reason, this requires him to hire a crack team of killer dwarves and dress them up in gaudy comic book super villain outfits, complete with capes and masks — except for the ersatz leader of the dwarves, who gets to strut around without a mask, presumably because he’s got a sweet mustache.
Teleport City The Impossible Kid At first an embarrassment to Imelda Marcos, who made a pet project out of promoting Filipino cinema only to see her beloved Manila International Film Festival serve as the launching point for the international success of a zero-budget midget spy film, and later a force to be reckoned with (as evidenced by her later pairing up with him for a famous rendition of “My Way”), Weng Weng — an extremely tiny man with some apparent martial arts training — was a very big deal in the Philippines for a very short time during the 80s.
Teleport City D’Wild Wild Weng If you’re looking for an introduction to all things Weng Weng, I suppose that D’Wild Wild Weng is as good a place to start as either For Y’ur Height Only or The Impossible Kid. Like those films, it’s fast paced and violent, and offers ample opportunities for you to observe a very tiny man defeating many larger ones with the power of kung fu. However, if you were to watch all three movies in sequence, I think it would likely be the point at which you realized you’d had too much of a good thing. (Given you thought it was a good thing in the first place, mind you.)
The Unknown Movies Hard Cash However, the core reasons why Hard Cash fails can’t be blamed on the actors. Better direction, as well as a better-written screenplay would have helped. The screenplay’s attitude towards its characters is best illustrated by Christian Slater’s character; the movie seems to think that the fact he has a young daughter is sufficient enough to make us like and care about him.


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