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Just about everybody dreams of being a movie star someday, the same way we also dream about being rich, or famous, or powerful & influential. But what if you’re already rich, famous, powerful and/or influential? Hey, why not use your riches, fame, power & influence… to become a movie star? (Or, if you’re rich, famous, etc. because you are a movie star, haven’t you always wanted to direct?)

It’s easier than you might think. Chances are there’s some mercenary producer out there who’s anxious to give you your shot. Oh, it’s not because he has faith in your abilities. He just knows your name alone will be enough to draw in a few curious suckers and make him some easy money. Or maybe he really does believe in you — which is usually worse. Either way, whether you’re Clara Peller or Paris Hilton, Bruce Jenner or Liberace, Toonces the Cat or Shaq, you’re probably better off ignoring your producer and listening to audiences everywhere, as they scream…

DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!

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1000 Misspent Hours And Counting The Man From Beyond With the dawning of the 20’s, Houdini graduated to features like Terror Island and Haldane of the Secret Service, and he continued sporadically in the business nearly until his untimely death in 1926. Houdini never enjoyed much success on film, however. Partly that was because he couldn’t quite get the hang of acting. Partly it was because the scripts written for him were stodgy and out of date at a time when the art of the motion picture was maturing almost too rapidly to follow. Partly it was because his natural charisma, honed for the variety show stage, just didn’t translate to the screen, leaving him looking awkward and uncomfortable whenever he wasn’t actively performing a stunt. But the biggest thing holding Houdini back as a movie star was a fundamental flaw in the premise of his film career. Houdini’s claim to fame was that he really did escape from those deathtraps, but on film, there was no significant visible difference between his genuine escapes and the ones Pearl White and Helen Gibson used to achieve every week via sleight of camera.
Destroyer Destroyer’s advertising campaign heavily played up the second murder, in which Ivan goes all Leatherface on the snooping cop with a jackhammer that has no reason to be there. We’re encouraged to think of that memorable but unlikely weapon as the killer’s trademark (this was the era when any self-respecting slasher had one of those), but in fact we never see it again. Beyond that, Moser winds up being one of the least frightening movie maniacs of his day, despite his immense bulk, horrid rap sheet, and apparent invulnerability to electricity. Director Robert Kirk doesn’t know how to frame Alzado to exploit his size, for one thing, and the perfunctory treatment of the murders makes it hard to see them as any big deal. Alzado, meanwhile, is wholly incapable of living up to the several writers’ attempts to make Moser a monster with personality. His quips fall flat, his leers overshoot creepiness into self-parody, and his efforts to intimidate collapse into a ludicrous display of flaring nostrils and bulging eyeballs.
Teleport City Coming soon!
The Unknown Movies Page Hamburger: The Motion Picture The fat student gives himself several electric shocks to lessen his hunger pains. And that’s about all that he’s used for. The African-American tries escaping from campus several times so he can make a musical gig he has. And that’s about all that he’s used for. The nerd is used as part of an experiment that gives his body and personality chicken-like traits. And that’s about all he’s used for. These are not characters – they are just devices to deliver unimaginative gags. The only actor who gets to build some kind of character is Dick Butkus as the harsh and scheming campus drill sergeant Drootin. Although this character’s actions, from inflicting great punishment on the people beneath him to sabotaging the class’ final test comes across as tired and familiar, it at least gives this person some kind of character. By the way, Butkus, though greatly overacting many times, gives the movie’s best performance, which should tell you something about the general quality of acting to be found in the movie.
And You Call Yourself A Scientist! The Thing With Two Heads It is easy to overlook the fact amongst this film’s myriad absurdities, but both Ray Milland and Rosey Grier give pretty good performances here – better than the film deserved, anyway. In particular, the way they play off each other once Moss and Kirshner have become travelling companions is remarkable. The Thing With Two Heads is a dizzying mixture of intentional and unintentional comedy, but as far as it works, it does so because of the admirably self-deprecating humour of its two leading men, and their willingness to disregard their dignity.
Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension Swept Away Madonna, however, kept at it, despite the lack of anyone else really wanting her to. Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Cindi Lauper, hell, all the way back to Kate Smith, songstresses have burnt their fingers on the Hollywood stove and fled the kitchen. Madonna, however, is the Jason Voorhees of singers turned film actresses. Both because she tends to kill anything in her immediate area, and because she just keeps coming.


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