Monday July 19th SUPER CHEESE DAY!

6:00 AM The Manster Have you seen this one? You’ve got to!
7:15 AM The Killer Shrews
8:30 AM Wild Wild Planet Essential, utterly insane ‘60s Italian sci-fi!
10:15 AM War of the Planets Same deal!

12:00 PM THE GREEN SLIME! It on TCM, so it will undoubtedly be LETTERBOXED! Set your Tivos or whatever!

1:45 PM Soylent Green

Then, if that sort of thing is your bag:

3:30 2001: A Space Odyssey
6:00 PM 2010

Oh, and King Kong, the Hunchback of Notre Dame (Lon Chaney) and Seventh Seal are on tonight.

Sure, you’ve seen just about everything in Sam’s Lake (2005) in previous “spam in a cabin” slasher flicks, but at least it all seems sincere.  That counts for something, right? Right?

BIG MEAT EATER

The problem with this movie is not that it is science fiction, nor that it is horror, nor even that it is a comedy. The problem is that it is also a musical. Its budget is a problem as well. Cub scout troops have bigger budgets than this film.

Review Snippet:
The best part of the film has to be Abdulla alarming a number of stout female customers with his unorthodox meat processing methods as he sings about being the “Big Meat Eater.” I almost got into the movie, and then the women (who are about as attractive as sacks of potatoes wearing granny blouses) all start rubbing their necks and chests.

Damn you, film! What do you want from me? Disgust? You’ve got it! Suffering? Present, in abundance! My blood? You…actually, you cannot have that. I need it

Lesson Learned:
Beef is an adhesive.

If spending my life bogged down in a morass of Jaws rip-off killer animal films from 1977 is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

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ORCA (1977) (revised)

Dino de Laurentiis’ attempt to outdo Jaws succeeds about as well as his earlier attempt to make us forget about Willis O’Brien’s handiwork. This outrageous exploitationer runs the gamut from the indefensible to the indescribable, piling lunacy on top of lunacy in its tale of a thick-headed Irish fisherman being stalked around the wilds of Newfoundland by a crazed and homicidal orca.

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(In bandwidth news, I have mostly shaken off my harassers; although they still seem to be hitting me occasionally despite me taking down all their targets. I guess it’s still a work in progress.)

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I dedicate this screencap, and my review of the movie it comes from, to Dr. Freex:

(Punchlines are a dish best served cold.)

Hannibal (1960)

Our second film from the New York Asian Film Festival (got to see a lot less than I wanted, but ain’t that always the case). Can Jackie make up for The Tuxedo, Robin B. Hood, and getting drunk and crashing the stage during some pop idol’s concert?

LITTLE BIG SOLDIER
In 2009, Chan made Shinjuku Incident. It was not the Jackie Chan movie people expected. This movie saw a much grimmer Chan, something more along the lines of the glimpse we got in Ringo Lam’s Crime Story. Here was a Jackie Chan who was no longer trying to deny his age. Here was a Jackie Can who was trying to make a good movie, with a good script and good acting. After years of poopy diaper jokes and Jennifer Love Hewitt striking Karate Kid poses, Shinjuku Incident seemed to be saying that it was time to start paying attention to Jackie Chan again. And then, in 2010, came Little Big Soldier, and Jackie Chan fans, covered in cobwebs and the dust of the wasteland, knew that our time in the wilderness was finally at an end.

Psst! I know a secret that I think you’d be interested in knowing. It has to do with the famous magician David Copperfield. Remember how years ago, he made The Statue Of Liberty disappear? I know how he did it. If you want to know how he did it, simply read my review of the magic-themed Ben Gazzara movie Quicker Than The Eye, and in the review you’ll find the answer. And if I get enough positive comments about this review, I will tell you guys the ingredients of the coating mix on Kentucky Fried Chicken (is it really eleven herbs and spices?)

My one-month sabbatical is over, and there’s really no better way for me to get back into the swing of things than with the material for which I’m so well known:

Killer dolls.

Demonic Toys 2 (2010)