Eva Vandergeld watches Bloodrayne so you don’t have too (but more importantly, so I don’t have to), meaning that per great demand Uwe Boll finally gets his due in the Bad Movie Dimension.

Continuing from last week’s East German Western…

KORKUSUZ KAPTAN SWING
By accounts, Kaptan Swing was a scrupulously faithful adaptation of the original comic, as can clearly be seen in how closely the costumes and the look of the actors match the appearances of the drawn characters. This is most likely a testament to just how popular the book was in Turkey at the time. And while such efforts are both admirable and surprising — especially given that they’re coming from a film industry that usually played pretty fast and loose with its source material, not to mention the copyrights protecting same — that holding sacred of the text here has the unfortunate consequence of insuring the presence of Sad Owl, Mr. Bluff and Puik in all of their pratfalling, compulsively mugging glory (and in the case of Sad Owl, in the person of a disconcerting Sid Ceasar ringer by the name of Suleyman Turan). As a result, Kaptan Swing comes off less like a comic book movie than a live action cartoon. Making matters worse is the fact that the filmmakers seem to regard the mere presence of these familiar characters as comedy in itself, freeing them from the onus of having to give them anything to do that could actually be considered funny. Having one of them greedily gnaw on a turkey leg while making a funny face or being bitten on the ass by the dog seems to have been considered suitably hilarious to comprise a generous portion of the movie’s running time, and if you have a problem with that, you’re probably going to find Kaptan Swing pretty tough going.

Also joining the fun this week: Fantomas vs. Scotland Yard, Judex, Circus of Fear, and Dr. Phibes Rises Again.

In my last review, I gave an example of a certain cinematic horror (The Asylum studio, to be exact.) In my newest review, I sample a new kind of cinematic horror. Can you guess what it is? Here’s a hint: late ’60s / early ’70s sexploitation. You got it – movies produced by Harry Novak. In this case, we have a movie that aimed to be (but almost completely failed) to be a classier than usual production: The Secret Sex Lives Of Romeo And Juliet. Let’s just say that Shakespeare is probably rolling in his grave.

THE SONS OF GREAT BEAR
The imperative to put butts into theater seats is apparently one that has been shared by film industries throughout the world, regardless of what political system they operated under. Thus it was, in 1966, that East Germany’s state run DEFA studio decided to try their hand at what had been widely considered an exclusively American genre, the Western, in an attempt to entice those audiences who had been staying away from their usual, more dryly ideological fare in droves with more thrilling, action-oriented entertainments. Of course, DEFA had no intention of aping Hollywood’s approach to that genre, and would ultimately put their own, distinctive spin on it. Going a long way toward achieving that was their decision to tell their film’s story from the point of view of its Native American characters, with whites settlers serving as the villains. But lest you think that choice was just a cynical appropriation of a suffering people’s history for crass political ends, let me point out that there was an abiding German fascination with Native Americans and their culture that had existed since long before the communist divide, the responsibility for which can pretty much be placed at the doorstep of one man.

Also fresh for 2009: Mother of Tears, The IPCRESS File, Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker, and Requiem for a Secret Agent.