Zombies are roaming Texas. I am not making this up: it is absolutely true. Actual Maggot-ridden Zombies Are Roaming Texas. An insect parasite lays eggs in its host, and when the larvae hatch, they eat away the host’s brain, causing it to shamble aimlessly — literally mindlessly — for about two weeks. Then the host’s head falls off… and the parasites emerge to infect new hosts. What’s more, the Government has a hand in the spread of the parasite. Didn’t you always just know this is how things would happen?

I guess it might come as a bit of an anticlimax to reveal that the zombies aren’t human: they’re ants. And the Government involvement is merely USDA approval of the parasites as a natural anti-pest tool.

Nevertheless, I can smell a SyFy Orijinul Moovy (Black Swarm II: Entomological Boogaloo?) already being made…

A report of a missing girl sends an upright (and uptight) police officer to an island off the coast of Scotland, where he finds his Christian beliefs challenged, not by the emergence of a new counter-culture, but the re-emergence of a very old one. Celtic paganism holds sway on Summerisle, and as Sergeant Neil Howie pursues his investigation, he grows increasingly certain of just why that girl is missing…

THE WICKER MAN (1973)

[Warning: some screenshots definitely NSFW!]

The White Gorilla (1945) isn’t an allegory for race, despite having a black gorilla and a white gorilla displaying hatred for each other against an African backdrop. No, it’s just a chance for Hollywood apeman extraordinaire Ray Corrigan to reuse the white-furred gorilla suit he’d already worn in the same year’s White Pongo.  And as long as we’re reusing things, let’s cobble together half of this hour-long feature from footage from the silent serial Perils of the Jungle (1927), which the producer just had lying around.  Is that quality entertainment, or what?

Urlatori alla sbarra (1960)

You might expect something a little edgier from the man who directed Don’t Torture a Duckling. But this energetic musical, Lucio Fulci’s third film as a director, is probably the tamest entry in the Roundtable.

Raising the curtain on the latest B-Masters roundtable, I give you…

Class of 1984 (1982), in which both juvenile delinquents and the music they listen to have become a hell of a lot scarier since Vic Morrow’s day.

And on a totally unrelated note, we have…

The Black Hole (1979), in which Disney decides to grow a pair– to markedly mixed results…

Jaws 2 (1978), in which people who should certainly know better still refuse to listen to Martin Brody…

Jaws 3-D (1983), in which yet more sharks follow Brody’s kids to Florida for the summer…

and…

Jaws: The Revenge (1987), in which the studio finally just comes right out and admits to what we’ve all been suspecting since about two movies ago.

Since Original Crew Month is over, what should I review? How about another shot-in-Romania fantasy kidvid? That’s the ticket!

Mysterious Museum (1999)

I have nothing intelligent to say about Kabrastan, but I felt like saying it anyhow.

I had been hoping to see the movie ever since I read about it in “Mondo Macabro” years ago; so when I found out it was available to watch on-line, I was so delighted — and pleasantly surprised by the movie itself — that I felt like sharing the experience.