To my surprise, I learned that none other than William Castle, ere his more famous Vincent Price days, had made this cheapie b-flick about the lives and loves of a midget. Bullies, crooks, femme fatales and circuses are all part of the grand tapestry which proves It’s a Small World.

Who doesn’t like a bit of emphatic contrast now and then?
 
Attack of the 50-Foot Woman (1958), in which a good stomping is ever so much more cathartic than a mere divorce…

The Giant Behemoth (1958), in which Eugene Lourie makes that dinosaur movie of his again…

Time Bandits (1981), in which there’s no way in hell I can adequately sum it all up in one sentence…

and…

Willow (1988), in which George Lucas stripmines the high fantasy genre every bit as thoroughly as he once stripmined sci-fi, but fails to achieve quite the same impact on pop culture at large.

Please note:  This is not the film I intended to review for this Roundtable. Unfortunately, my copy of the actual film has gone AWOL, which I didn’t notice until too late in the game. I will be reviewing that film as soon as I can find my DVD or (groan) buy another copy. In the meantime, please enjoy this cheaty filler!

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DRACULA VS FRANKENSTEIN (1971)

In an amusement park on Venice Beach, the last of the Frankensteins masquerades as Dr Durea, proprietor of the Creature Emporium. Durea is confronted by Count Dracula, who has dug up the original Frankenstein monster from the cemetery where it was buried by another scientist after he discredited Durea and crippled him. Dracula offers Durea the chance to revenge himself on his enemies by using the monster, in exchange for the miraculous serum developed by Durea from blood taken from people who have been decapitated and then brought back to life. Meanwhile, a Las Vegas entertainer falls for a middle-aged hippie while searching for her missing sister, one of the decapitees.

Confused? Then my work here is done.

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Small pile of stuff that built up like barnacles in the past week…

Story Of Wong Fei-Hong

One of the first true martial arts movies, Kwan Tak-hing assumes the role that would define his entire career, and most of his off-screen life as well.

I Don’t Want To Be Born

Because what Little People round table would be complete without a movie featuring a murderous newborn baby?

Zero Woman: Final Mission

Because what Little People round table would be complete without a movie featuring a sexual deviant midget in cargo shorts and Adidas Sambas?

Devil’s Dynamite

It’s Future Man vs hopping vampires out to get Chinese gambling king Steven Cox in a movie so convoluted and bad that you know it’s gotta be a Godfrey Ho/Thomas Tang production.

Master Of The Flying Guillotine

Jimmy Wang Yu tucks his arm into his shirt and beats up a blind guy in this kungfu classic

BioShock

Not a movie, but a video game that plays like the plot to a b-movie. You find yourself stranded in an art-deco undersea city that was meant to be a free-thinking anarcho-libertarian utopia. Unfortunately, by the time you arrive, everything has gone insane.

The movie I, Madman is evidence to the much-agreed film theory that it is the director and not the screenwriter who determines if a movie ultimately succeeds or not. While the screenplay has an underwritten first third, a lot of unanswered questions, and a fair share of unbelievable and ridiculous moments, director Tibor Takács somehow manages to take this flawed screenplay and make a movie that works.

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What’s the only thing better than a low, low budget Bela Lugosi film? A low, low budget Bela Lugosi film co-starring Angelo Rossitto.

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THE CORPSE VANISHES (1942)

Brides are collapsing at the altar, apparently dead, and their bodies subsequently being stolen. The only clue is a strange orchid, delivered anonymously to each of the victims before the ceremony. A spunky girl reporter follows this lead to the home of one Dr Lorenz, a former horticulturist who has turned to kidnapping and mad science in order to restore the youthful good looks of his screeching harridan of a wife.

Anything for a little peace.

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NEW LEGEND OF SHAOLIN

During the first half of the 1990s, Hong Kong was wire-fu crazy. It seems like all you had to do to get your movie made was show up at a studio waving around a napkin with “guys in robes fly around, then there’s a fart joke” scrawled on it. Even if the studio already had ten movies exactly like yours in production, producers saw no reason they couldn’t add one more to the pile. New Legend of Shaolin, starring Jet Li when he was the undisputed king of being hoisted around on wires, is the epitome of mediocre 1990s wuxia. It’s bad but not enragingly bad. It’s fight scenes are terrible but not “really terrible.” And as was almost always par for the course, the tone jumps wildly and without any transition from slapstick fart comedy to atrociously overwrought melodrama. It’s a textbook case of by-the-numbers, don’t-give-a-shit Hong Kong film making from Wong Jing, the master of by-the-numbers, don’t-give-a-shit Hong Kong film making.

D’Wild Wild Weng

While the novelty value alone of having that hero be under three feet tall is enough to make the fight scenes in Weng Weng’s movies plenty memorable, it should be noted that Weng Weng — who trained in martial arts from an early age and subsequently received extensive stunt training from director Nicart — both doles out and takes his punishment in those scenes like a true professional — which, to be honest, just makes things that much weirder. If anything, D’Wild Wild Weng showcases the tiny star’s stunt and fighting abilities to an even greater degree than the preceding films, making less use of the gimmicky dick-punching moves the others relied on so heavily (though, grieve not, dick-punching fans; there still are some, as well as another of those trademark scenes in which Weng Weng’s partner literally tosses him at an opponent). I’m guessing that Weng Weng’s status at this point of being a proven performer and box office draw, combined with an increasing level of confidence in front of the camera on his part, had something to do with this.

Because I’m trying to be a more positive, less snarky human being, I shall here list all of the good points to 1993’s Leprechaun:

1) Warwick Davis! (It’s pronounced “Warrick,” by the way.)

2) To my knowledge, this movie did not contribute in any way to the electoral confusion in the state of Florida in 2000.

That’s it. You find your silver lining where you can, folks.