Pleasant memories of Archie and his gang in comic books I read as a child got me to pick up the animated feature film The Archies In Jugman. However, what was going through my head after watching the movie was not pleasant for the most part.
The gang’s all here
May 10
Crazy old ladies, peculiar diabolism, Czarist spookery, and the science of German smut:
All that Money Can Buy (1941), in which a farmer sells his soul to the Devil, then hires Senator Daniel Webster to get him out of the contract…
The Devil Within Her (1975), in which failing to requite a midget’s love gets Joan Collins cursed with a killer baby…
The Horror of Frankenstein (1970), in which Hammer scores its first Epic Fail in appealing to the youth market of the 70’s…
The Leech Woman (1959), in which the lady never asked for a Fountain of Youth, but now that she’s got one, she intends to keep it…
Night of the Ghouls (1958), in which Ed Wood brings the art of the “Dracula” anagram to its all-time low…
The Portrait (1915), in which there are even worse hazards to buying tacky wall art than having to spend the rest of your days looking at the ugly-ass thing…
The Queen of Spades (1916), in which Satan recommends that you cheat at cards…
Satan Exultant (1917), in which he also recommends that you get drunk, paint sexy pictures, and screw your in-laws…
The School Girls (1970), in which the in-laws are apparently the only people whom Germany’s teenagers aren’t screwing…
Twister’s Revenge! (1987), in which nothing evens the score with a bunch of dumb rednecks like an intelligent, self-aware monster truck…
and…
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962), in which one of Old Timey Hollywood’s most famous feuds becomes the raw material for the second-most influential psycho-horror film of the 60’s.
PLEASE BEAR WITH US
AS WE REBUILD OUR SITE.
Please go HERE for an explanation of what went wrong in April 2013, and why so many posts and comments have gone missing. Go HERE for a (so far incomplete) list of the B-Masters’ reviews that got unlinked after the server crash. Our reviews continue below.
Rapping about Rappin’
Apr 30
Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus may not have been the funkiest producers around, but that didn’t stop them from making Rappin’. Is this rap crap? Read on and find out.
The Lost Reviews
Apr 19
As a result of the Great Server Crash of 2013, all the B-Masters’ posts from June 2012 to November 2012, and mid-January 2013 to April 2013, have been lost. Fortunately, these posts were links to the reviews… not the reviews themselves, most of which are still available. There are two major exceptions: Teleport City is currently undergoing a redesign and a site-move, so many of its reviews are currently off-line; while Nathan Shumate’s Cold Fusion Video was entirely hosted on the same servers as the B-Masters site, and is currently in limbo.
The following is a (not yet complete) list of the reviews that were announced here during those time periods:
1000 Misspent Hours
The Barbarians
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Blood and Roses
Body Double
Chernobyl Diaries
A Clockwork Orange
Coffy
Cronos (new)
DinoWolf / Dire Wolf
From Dusk Till Dawn (new)
From the Earth to the Moon
Galaxina
The Girl from S.I.N.
Gums
A Hatchet for the Honeymoon (new)
The Innocents
Mama
Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula in: Eight Legs to Love You (new)
Prometheus
Shakma
Slumber Party Massacre
They Live
Trilby
Two Undercover Angels (new)
Kiss Me, Monster (new)
The Vampire’s Ghost
Venus in Furs (new)
Videodrome
Viy (new)
Weird Tale Collection, Volume 1: The Yellow Sign and Others
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Blood and Roses
Body Double
Chernobyl Diaries
A Clockwork Orange
Coffy
Cronos (new)
DinoWolf / Dire Wolf
From Dusk Till Dawn (new)
From the Earth to the Moon
Galaxina
The Girl from S.I.N.
Gums
A Hatchet for the Honeymoon (new)
The Innocents
Mama
Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula in: Eight Legs to Love You (new)
Prometheus
Shakma
Slumber Party Massacre
They Live
Trilby
Two Undercover Angels (new)
Kiss Me, Monster (new)
The Vampire’s Ghost
Venus in Furs (new)
Videodrome
Viy (new)
Weird Tale Collection, Volume 1: The Yellow Sign and Others
And You Call Yourself A Scientist!
BadMovies.Org
Braineater
The Boogens / The Strangeness
Kaalo
Livide
Morituris
Plenilunio
Space Amoeba (Yog, Monster from Space)
Vampyres / The Blood Spattered-Bride (guest review by Jessica Ritchey)
Kaalo
Livide
Morituris
Plenilunio
Space Amoeba (Yog, Monster from Space)
Vampyres / The Blood Spattered-Bride (guest review by Jessica Ritchey)
Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension
The Unknown Movies
Best Men (new)
Boom In The Moon
Cardiac Arrest
Chase
Death Chase
Def-Con 4
Evil, The
Fire!
Guardian, The
Hachi: A Dog’s Tale
Hostile Takeover
I, The Jury (new)
Interstate 60
Keoma
Kidnapping Of The President, The
Last Run, The
Mustang Country
My Mom’s A Werewolf
Ninja
No Dessert Dad, Til You Mow The Lawn
Santa With Muscles
Tentacles
Unhinged
Unman, Wittering And Zigo
Boom In The Moon
Cardiac Arrest
Chase
Death Chase
Def-Con 4
Evil, The
Fire!
Guardian, The
Hachi: A Dog’s Tale
Hostile Takeover
I, The Jury (new)
Interstate 60
Keoma
Kidnapping Of The President, The
Last Run, The
Mustang Country
My Mom’s A Werewolf
Ninja
No Dessert Dad, Til You Mow The Lawn
Santa With Muscles
Tentacles
Unhinged
Unman, Wittering And Zigo
More to come, as the restoration work continues…
Will Laughlin is the Braineater.Our regular readers are probably wondering what happened to us at the beginning of April 2013. That’s when our site suddenly disappeared from the Internet. Conspiracy theories began to circulate: according to one, the entire Cabal was a pseudonymous effort by Jess Franco, which ceased to exist at the same moment he did. Other rumors said basically the same thing about Roger Ebert. These rumors may be ignored.
In fact, what had happened is this: the brilliant technicians at the B-Masters’ Internet hosting company suddenly started wondering what would happen if they pushed the big, red button marked SELF-DESTRUCT. The results were spectacular. They told us all about it in an email composed by the light of our burning backup tapes — the only email any of us had ever read that came through written in crayon.
OK, OK: venom aside, it seems the very same technology that was supposed to keep our data safe malfunctioned and killed it all instead. Apparently everybody else whose site was hosted by this company was in the same situation… with no site, no backup and no recourse. This means we’re scrambling to reconstitute as much of the B-Masters’s site as we can, while we look for a slightly more reputable host.
If you registered to post on this site after February 2012, I’m sorry to say your account and your comments have disappeared into the void. We’re deeply upset by the loss of so many discussions with our readers. We may be able to restore our posts that have temporarily disappeared; but we will not be able to bring back those vivid and lively interactions we’ve had in the comments. Please do not let this dissuade you from rejoining us and participating in future discussions! We’re going to be much more careful about backing up our data from now on.
Will Laughlin is the Braineater.Just, like, pretend all the Christmas-themed reviews went up a month ago, or something…
Bloody Christmas (2012), in which the guy running around murdering people on or about Christmas isn’t wearing a Santa suit for once…
The Devil’s Commandment (1956), which ought to be a lot better known than it is, considering that it was the first Italian horror movie since the silent age…
Django Unchained (2012), which I’d like to take the entire state of South Carolina to see…
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012), in which [SPOILERS] nobody actually reaches their destination…
The Magic Christmas Tree (1964), which is basically the screwiest version of “The Monkey’s Paw” ever…
Malibu High (1979), in which a trashy, girtty 70′s neo-noir dresses up Leatherface-style in the flayed skin of a teen sex comedy…
Monster a Go-Go (1965), in which yet another B-Master conspicuously fails to learn from Ken’s mistakes…
Rescued from an Eagle’s Nest (1908), in which [ATTENTION, LYZ!] the Edison Company steals a 50-year march on what previously looked like the original animal-attack movie…
and…
Santa Claus (1959), in which Rene Cardona and his accomplices somehow make it seem logical for Santa to battle Satan with the aid of Merlin and Vulcan.
A Gross Film
Jan 20
The Jerry Gross production Teenage Mother happened to be the big screen debut of a now-famous comedic actor. It’s difficult to determine which is more embarrassing for that actor – appearing in this movie, or his much publicized arrest last summer.
Only in the 1970s could a movie as offbeat as Steelyard Blues been made. Some might say that there would only be an audience for such an unconventional movie in the 1970s. But I have to admit that this film pleased this present day nonconformist reviewer.
Twilight of the Gods
Jan 8
Originally, I had grand plans to review four films in four days, leading up to the launch of the new year with giant monsters, ragged dragons, and so so many cartoon laser beams being fired from eyes and spears. But then there was the flu…
Still, I managed to get the two most important ones out the door. I cannot think of a more accurate way to learn about the mythology of other countries than via giants throwing buildings at each other, and so…
NOBLE WAR
In which Sompote Sands, Thailand’s most infamous film maker, decides Thai mythology needs more colors, more giant gods, more vomiting, and of course, more dudes getting stomped in the testicles. Still, it’shard to argue with the visual riot that blazes across the screen as a result.
WAR GOD
And here you thought Guan Yu was just the red-faced warrior to which Hong Kong cops paid respects, totally skipping over the part where he is 150 feet tall and defends the Earth from space invaders and, more importantly, the evils of scientific thought.
