The B-Masters Cabal

In the 1970s and 1980s, it was a common practice for television producers with a new potential TV series in mind to make what were called “backdoor pilots”. These were feature-length pilots that could be aired as made-for-television movies of the week, even if the networks passed on making them weekly series before they were aired. The Hanged Man is one such backdoor pilot. Whether the networks passed on making it a series before or after it was aired, I do not know, but it’s safe to say that this was one rejection that was justified.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK

Review Snippet:
The best way to describe “KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park” is to say that it is a “Scooby-Doo” episode, but starring KISS instead of a bunch of meddling kids and a talking dog. Yes, that really is KISS, and they really are investigating a mystery in an amusement park. No, they don’t have a talking dog; though I suppose that quite a few reasonable arguments could be made that Peter Criss or Gene Simmons is standing in for Scooby.

Something to watch for:
Gene Simmons is unable to turn his head without sticking out his tongue.

Behold– an unprecedented THREE roundtables in a single post! (Mind you, the reason it’s unprecedented is because nobody was ever this late with their damn reviews before…)

The Cabin in the Woods (2009/2012), in which despte all appearances to the contrary, it isn’t Spam in that cabin– which, for that matter, isn’t strictly speaking a cabin, either…

The Fellowship of the Frog (1959), in which the masked arch-criminal could perhaps have chosen a slightly scarier theme for his supervillain identity…

The H-Man (1958), in which the “H” is analogous to the one in ”H-bomb,” but that’s kind of beside the point…

Hercules and the Princess of Troy (1965), which represents the only time Joseph E. Levine failed to make a fortune on Hercules…

The Hunger Games (2012), in which you all probably know more than I do anyway…

John Carter (2012), in which an ex-Confederate cavalry captain runs eight zillion green guys through with a sword, fights a giant four-armed gorilla, and blows up a bunch of totally boss airships, and yet somehow nobody cares…

The Mad Executioners (1963), in which there’s a secret, underground murder tribunal, an imposter secret, underground murder tribunal, and an ersatz Jack the Ripper, and the whole mess almost makes sense even so…

Shark Attack (1999), in which no one would give a crap about yet another bad, intermittently boring Jaws ripoff, had it not been also the movie that turned the Sci-Fi Channel into the Bad, Intermittently Boring Jaws Ripoff Channel…

The Slayer (1981), which subjects the Spam-in-a-Cabin premise to almost as much distortion as The Cabin in the Woods…

and…

Species (1995), in which Sir Ben Kingsley sees the face of his future, but doesn’t realize it yet.
 
 
 

If your wish is for a movie that’s breezy and pleasurable to watch, the Bruno Corbucci family movie Aladdin is a safe bet. Sure, it’s sloppily plotted, and its sense of humor is sometimes extremely goofy, but there’s still plenty to like here that makes the movie a charming viewing experience for kids and their parents.

RED RIDING HOOD

I’m not a fan of either Twilight or Harry Potter, but neither am I a detractor, as I have never read either series and likely never will. I have seen some Harry Potter movies, and they were all right, though it turns out that not everyone counts Troll as part of the series. Good or bad, however, there’s obviously something in both of those series that was perfectly timed to tap into a zeitgeist that propelled them to the upper ranks of popularity that was not obtained by their imitators or even by the books (or movies) they themselves might have been imitating. There was something that happened to make each of those the successful ones, and whether you love, hate, or don’t care about either series, there’s no denying that they did something right. Red Riding Hood was one of the first movies to copy the overwrought YA melodrama of Twilight, and few people seem to remember Red Riding Hood was even made.

At one point, a character in the European superhero movie Superargo says, “I can’t really put very much confidence in an agent who calls himself Superargo and wears a mask and has that strange costume.” Indeed, it won’t take long for most modern day audiences watching the movie to express little confidence in the rest of the movie. There is some definite camp appeal here, but not enough for my tastes.

Looks like me and Andrew were on the same wavelength this week, monster-movie wise!

SECTOR 7

Sector 7 is the very worst kind of movie with which to be confronted. OK, maybe not. Maybe What Happens in Vegas is the very worst kind of movie with which to be confronted, but since that’s not the sort of movie I seek out, and Sector 7 is, then the wounds I suffer at the hands of Sector 7 leaves a much deeper scar than any injuries I may have suffered while confined to a seat in a bus where they were playing What Happens in Vegas. Sector 7 is the person who should be your friend, but when you are dangling over the precipice and it is holding on to you, it suddenly flashes an evil grin and lets go, allowing you to fall to your death puzzled by this betrayal. Also, you are falling into lava. Sector 7, you were a flashy, big budget monster movie set on an oil rig and fronted by a wickedly cute actress with decent biceps. How could you do this too me? How could you be so very bad on pretty much every single level?

SEA BEAST

What do you get when you cross “Jaws” with “Predator” and cast a 1990s pop culture star as the protagonist? Why yes, this is a SyFy original movie. How did you know?

Review Snippet:
Without any way to contact the mainland, Carly and Danny leave the cabin behind. They trek across the island to an old ferry where they hope to find a radio. As soon as those two mentioned the ferry, I knew that the monster’s nest was going to be inside. In fact, no matter where Danny and Carly decided to go from the cabin, it would be where the Sea Beast laid her eggs. I don’t care if they were going to the abandoned Starbucks on the island, in hopes that the free WiFi was still running, that’s where all of the eggs would be.

Lesson Learned:
Blinking is a telltale sign of rigormortis.

Some day, I’m going to not lag behind in these things. But that some day is not this day, and so let’s play a bit of catch-up with recent reviews.

Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec Adele Blanc-sec is highly enjoyable adventure cinema, and if you’re a fan of any of the other titles mentioned in the review, specifically Tintin(either in print or film), the Sherlock Holmes movies, the Amelia Peabody Mysteries, or The Parasol Protectorate books, then you are going to find yourself comfortably at home with Adele Blanc-sec’s loony blend of action, archaeology, supernatural beasties, whimsy, and gentleman mummies with proper manners. I hope Besson gets another movie in the series made, even if he’s only producing. There’s too much left untapped and this one was too fun to just let it be.
Lady Dragon I was quite looking forward to Lady Dragon. For one thing it has the remarkable Richard Norton, who has traded blows with Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung on a few memorable occasions, as the bad guy. For another the film seems to be quite popular with other Cynthia Rothrock fans. On top of that the other three Cynthia movies I’d reviewed so far had lulled me into a false sense of security by all being enjoyably cheesy. Little did I know that a scant 90 minutes after popping this DVD in, I’d feel so soiled as to be contemplating a two-day shower. In battery acid.
Drive Ultimately anyone who likes action should come away from this movie with a big grin plastered across their face, before they rewind it to watch those jaw-dropping fight scenes again and again. It’s been a long time since a Hollywood studio managed to release anything as entertaining as Steve Wang‘s little movie, and given that the world is kung fu mad right now this is the perfect time to see it. I guarantee it’s a Drive you won’t regret taking. And yes, I know I deserve to be punished for that final pun…
Hero Dream Hero Dream is one of the sleazier Cat III action films. In fact, it’s so sleazy and so packed with full frontal nudity and cameras lingering on female pubic hair that it seems almost illegal for it not to have at least co-starred Charlie Cho. Cho must have been busy making twenty other sex films the week Hero Dreamwas made — provided they bothered to take an entire week to film Hero Dream. If they did, it certainly doesn’t show. There seems to have been absolutely no effort at all to come up with a script, giving the movie a very prevalent “we’re just making up scenes as we go until we hit the 85 minute mark.” What effort did go into the movie was spent almost entirely on making it as dense with nudity as possible, with a small bit of effort reserved for finding the absolutely most atrocious shirts and ties for Chin Kar-lok.
The Warrior & The Sorceress It’s a shame that the material can’t live up to the cast; for a movie that runs only 77 minutes, so much filler and repetition really isn’t a good idea. A couple of the fight scenes are OK — Anthony De Longis knows his stuff, sure enough — but the best one is at the end of the movie by which time I was struggling to stay awake. The whole thing is too generic and too dull to linger much in the memory, and probably only merits interest because Carradine is the star rather than Rick Hill, Pietro Torrisi, Miles O’Keefe or whoever. Of all the Conan rip-offs, this… is one.
China O’Brien 2 I still remember my first exposure to China O’Brien 2. It was in the form of a trailer on the rental tape ofChina O’Brien that played right after the movie ended. “Hmm,” my teenage mind reflected, “it looks exactly the same as the one we just watched.” And that was that. Despite my freakish and possibly legally actionable obsession with Cynthia Rothrock, I’d never actually seen the sequel until a couple of days ago. And though my intellect has been transformed over the years by intense studies of art, literature, science and Internet porn, my naive observation back in the early 90s turned out to be spot on.