The B-Masters Cabal

NEW LEGEND OF SHAOLIN

During the first half of the 1990s, Hong Kong was wire-fu crazy. It seems like all you had to do to get your movie made was show up at a studio waving around a napkin with “guys in robes fly around, then there’s a fart joke” scrawled on it. Even if the studio already had ten movies exactly like yours in production, producers saw no reason they couldn’t add one more to the pile. New Legend of Shaolin, starring Jet Li when he was the undisputed king of being hoisted around on wires, is the epitome of mediocre 1990s wuxia. It’s bad but not enragingly bad. It’s fight scenes are terrible but not “really terrible.” And as was almost always par for the course, the tone jumps wildly and without any transition from slapstick fart comedy to atrociously overwrought melodrama. It’s a textbook case of by-the-numbers, don’t-give-a-shit Hong Kong film making from Wong Jing, the master of by-the-numbers, don’t-give-a-shit Hong Kong film making.

D’Wild Wild Weng

While the novelty value alone of having that hero be under three feet tall is enough to make the fight scenes in Weng Weng’s movies plenty memorable, it should be noted that Weng Weng — who trained in martial arts from an early age and subsequently received extensive stunt training from director Nicart — both doles out and takes his punishment in those scenes like a true professional — which, to be honest, just makes things that much weirder. If anything, D’Wild Wild Weng showcases the tiny star’s stunt and fighting abilities to an even greater degree than the preceding films, making less use of the gimmicky dick-punching moves the others relied on so heavily (though, grieve not, dick-punching fans; there still are some, as well as another of those trademark scenes in which Weng Weng’s partner literally tosses him at an opponent). I’m guessing that Weng Weng’s status at this point of being a proven performer and box office draw, combined with an increasing level of confidence in front of the camera on his part, had something to do with this.

Because I’m trying to be a more positive, less snarky human being, I shall here list all of the good points to 1993’s Leprechaun:

1) Warwick Davis! (It’s pronounced “Warrick,” by the way.)

2) To my knowledge, this movie did not contribute in any way to the electoral confusion in the state of Florida in 2000.

That’s it. You find your silver lining where you can, folks.

THE IMPOSSIBLE KID

My guess is that if you don’t know who Weng Weng is by now, you’re probably not the kind of person who’s going to care who Weng Weng is anyway. And if that’s the case, you obviously came upon this site by mistake. Then again, I may be wrong about that. After all, those who keep abreast of internet memes and those with a taste for obscure cult movies are not necessarily one and the same — just as, conversely, it’s a rare type who will go from chuckling at the exploits of Weng Weng or Little Superstar in a two minute YouTube clip to actually seeking out and watching one of their movies in its entirety.

Does Hard Cash have hardcore action? A hardass protagonist? Hardly. We get not one, but two former major studio movie actors (Christian Slater and Val Kilmer) transplanted to the B movie hotspot of Bulgaria, once again trying to pass itself off as the United States. Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer appears in a key role.

CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE

With the genre flagging, producer Rogelio Agrasanchez Jr. — (in)famous among fans as a man willing to squeeze every last possible penny of a cinematic concept so long as he could put midgets in it — decided that if one couldn’t (or, more likely, wasn’t willing to) provide audiences with quality, then one could make up for it with quantity. If people weren’t going to pay to see one wheezing old luchador punch a werewolf, then maybe they’d be more likely to pay to watch like seven or eight luchadors punch an army of werewolves (preferably midget werewolves). The resulting era of movies eschewed any attempts at the Gothic classiness or psychedelic weirdness that permeated the best of the earlier production and simply went for goofball comic book action. Think of it as the luchadors’ Jun Fukuda years, and if we accept that, then Champions of Justice is the Godzilla vs. Megalon of Mexican wrestler movies. Given the all-star line-up you might think that Destroy All Monsters is the more accurate comparison, but the problem there is that Destroy All Monsters still maintains some vestige of classiness.

GETTING LUCKY

A teenage nerd discovers a leprechaun in an empty beer bottle. The nerd is in love with a cheerleader and the leprechaun must grant three wishes to escape from his glass prison. If you think this sounds like the setup for a teen sex comedy, you are right.

Review Snippet:
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever outgrow my ability to enjoy teen comedy films. More accurately, I worry that I will eventually outgrow my ability to enjoy comedies made for teenage males. I say this because “Better Off Dead” and “Bachelor Party” still make me laugh, and most of my enjoyment while watching “Hot Tub Time Machine” was noticing the homages to earlier teen comedies. Sooner or later (probably when I am in my seventies), I am suddenly going to decide that a nerd accidentally dumping five gallons of yogurt on a blonde wearing a bikini is not funny.

When that happens, I want you to smother me with my pillow and escape to Canada.

Lesson Learned:
Miniature golf has never gotten anybody laid.

The body of early Playboy Playmate and cult film icon (the memorable bad girl of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and Attack of the Giant Leeches) Vyette Vickers was found in her Beverly Hills home yesterday.  Horribly, the body was literally mummified, indicating that Ms. Vickers had passed away and remained undiscovered for up to a year. She would have been (approximately) 83 at the time of her passing. Rest in Peace.

Jabootu contributor Eva Vandergeld has watched Gigli so you don’t have to…and more importantly, so that I don’t have to. Yuck.

Meanwhile, Jabootu correspondent (are you seeing a theme here?) Rock Baker managed to cadge an exclusive interview with Lost Sketlton of Cadavra director Larry Blamire. See what he has to say here.