Pages
- About the Cabal
- Full Index of Reviews
- Roundtables
- 01: Brainathon ’99
- 02: Bangs'n'Whimpers
- 03: Post-Apocalypso
- 04: Review All Monsters
- 05: Pretty Mad Scientists
- 06: Tainted Love
- 07: Days of Future Past
- 08: Secret Santa
- 09: Catch a Throwing Star
- 10: Four-Color Features
- 11: Big Bugs
- 12: Fish With Bicycles
- 13: Go Go Go-Go Boys!
- 14: paLe IMITATIONS
- 15: We're Gonna Need a Bigger Roundtable
- 16: Whoa… Deja Vu.
- 17: Month of the Living Dead
- 18: B-Masters Beach Party
- 19: Kinji Fukasaku – The Man No Genre Could Tame.
- 20: Home Video Holocaust – The Video Nasties
- 21: Father Dearest: Who's Your Daddy?
- 22: So Sorry…
- 23: Back to the Well
- 24: Another Month of the Living Dead
- 25: The Ottoman Empire Strikes Back
- 26: Rubber Soul
- 27: Shhhhhh
- 28: Month of the Alternative Living Dead
- 29: On Time & Under Budget
- 30: These Kids Today…
- 31: Mea maxima culpa
- 32: Stingathon ’09
- 33: 10,000 B.S.
- 34: Foot Notes
- 35: Don’t Touch That Dial!
- 36: He Conquered the World
- 37: Secret Santa’s Revenge
- 38: At the Movies of Madness
- 39: They Might Be Giants
- 40: The Other Elizabeth Taylor
- 41: The Dark Guys of London
- 42: Falling Stars
- 43: To Be or Not To Be! (Pilot Error)
- 44: Teeth and Tentacles
- 45: Brunoween
- 46: Howl of the B-Masters
- 47: It’s Alive!
- 48: Bad, Black and Beautiful
- 49: Don’t Quit Your Day Job
- 50: B-Mentia 15
- 51: Quelle Horreur!
- 52: Carradine, Thou Wayward Son!
- 53: Tall, Dark and Gruesome
- 54: Pets Gone Wild
- 55: The Bad Place
- 56: From The Bible To Barbarella
- 57: A Fistful Of Pennies
- 58: Hello, Dolly
- 59: No, Not That One!
- 60: Dr Terror’s House Of Honours
- 61: WTF!?
- 62: In The Key Of B
- 63: The Forgotten Dawn Of Horror
- 64: The Most Dangerous Roundtable
- 65: Room For One More
- 66: Were-WHAT?
- 67: The China Anniversary Syndrome
- 68: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 2
- 69: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 3
- 70: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 4
- The Links We Love
#1 by Braineater on October 23, 2007 - 7:51 am
Quote
Wow, Patrick Magee. Samuel Beckett wrote “Krapp’s Last Tape” for Magee. Judging from your review, that title was probably the first and only time Beckett was overly optimistic.
#2 by Matthew Fudge on October 23, 2007 - 8:15 am
Quote
There’s an episode of Spaced (sitcom by Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright of Shaun of the dead) where the lead character’s boss gets violent whenever someone suggests that Hawk the Slayer is shit. I kind of see Ken going the other way here.
#3 by KeithA on October 23, 2007 - 9:23 am
Quote
This was by far one of Jack Palance’s best performances.
But who would win in a fight: Hawk the Slayer or Archer Fugitive from the Empire?
#4 by PCachu on October 23, 2007 - 10:36 am
Quote
They’d both get their hubcaps handed to them by Yor, Hunter from the Future.
#5 by lyzard on October 23, 2007 - 2:14 pm
Quote
“….Aside from being purely as cinematically exciting as it sounds, this apparently also inspired director John Derek, whose Tarzan the Ape Man came out the year after this. …”
Which reminds me: about two years ago, Ken, you promised me a review of Tarzan The Ape Man – and considering I once reviewed Megaforce because of a casual comment in passing to you, I’m not really inclined to let you off the hook.
#6 by Ken Begg on October 23, 2007 - 3:42 pm
Quote
Liz —
Uhm, how about just kicking me in the groin? Same result, saves everyone time.
#7 by Blake Matthews on October 23, 2007 - 3:58 pm
Quote
Hey Ken, do you accept donations of terrible movies to review? If so, I have a good one I could send you.
#8 by JessicaR. on October 24, 2007 - 1:35 am
Quote
I remember seeing a clip of this and finding out that silly string is a vital part of dark eldritch magick.
#9 by Nathan Shumate on October 24, 2007 - 6:26 am
Quote
Lord, that was beautiful, Ken. The existence of the movie is justified by the contingent production of your review.
#10 by Ken Begg on October 24, 2007 - 7:29 am
Quote
Mathematical formula: Ken’s Pain = Reader enjoyment.
You know, I have nightmares now where the film is still running. Voltan escapes and issues a demand to get the gold in three month’s time or else; Hawk begins a long series of flashbacks to his fifth birthday party, when Voltan ate his cake and opened and played with all his toys; Sister Monica was just wounded and recovers to continuing arguing that they should trust Voltan; everyone is somehow tied to pillars or trees and *still* riding around on horses in slow-motion…
#11 by Matthew Fudge on October 24, 2007 - 7:55 am
Quote
well the poster does threaten that the battle goes on “until the end of time”
#12 by Ken Begg on October 24, 2007 - 8:18 am
Quote
Yeah, they just forget “locked in deadly [boring] combat to the end of time!”
Still, no false advertising suit there.
#13 by KeithA on October 24, 2007 - 11:39 am
Quote
If this is all about a test of Ken’s will, I say go full on: Hawk the Slayer, Archer Fugitive from the Empire, and Iron Warrior, the third Ator film — all three of them seem to be cut from the same cloth, thanks to meandering scripts, meandering camera work, listless acting, and freaky Tangerine Dream-meets-Rick Wakeman scores.
Man, now I’m gonna spend this weekend watching these three movies. So have fun at your Halloween parties surrounded by girls in sexy nurse and bee costumes. I’ll be at home, alone, watching Iron Warrior, Archer, and Hawk — AGAIN!
#14 by lyzard on October 24, 2007 - 2:04 pm
Quote
“….Uhm, how about just kicking me in the groin?…”
I like to think of it as the gift that goes on giving.
#15 by lyzard on October 24, 2007 - 2:06 pm
Quote
“….I’ll be at home, alone, watching Iron Warrior, Archer, and Hawk — AGAIN!…”
I can guarantee you’ll be having more fun than *I* will. (A crap movie AND my taxes – what a weekend!)
#16 by John Doe on October 24, 2007 - 5:00 pm
Quote
Sexy bee costumes??? Must be a bee-masters thing. Yes Ken, we the faithful readers of Jabootu revel in your agony because you express it so well. I did think though that referring to us as “losers” was a trifle bitter.
#17 by lyzard on October 24, 2007 - 5:01 pm
Quote
Pot, meet kettle.
#18 by Ken Begg on October 24, 2007 - 5:33 pm
Quote
“I did think though that referring to us as “losers” was a trifle bitter.”
For the record, I was also actually envying the dead.
#19 by Thomas Meade on October 24, 2007 - 9:24 pm
Quote
It was a good review of a bad movie. Although I always read the reviews and think “This film surely can’t be as bad as they claim it is – I must go and see it”. And several hours and a few dollars later I’ve seen Johnny Mnemonic again and realised why I’d forgotten it.
Which is a long way of blaming you for inadvertently causing me to be reminded that my taxes are due.