Seriously, some of this stuff Severin has sent me I’ve been hunting for years. See if you can spot which are the screeners:
Cannibal Terror (1981), in which the dumbest criminals ever hide out in an Amazon jungle that bears a striking resemblance to the Pyrenees Mountains, and get slaughtered by Indians who bear a striking resemblance to a bunch of white guys from France…
Devil Hunter (1980), in which Jesus Franco decides that he needs a Porno Holocaust of his own…
Legend (1985), in which the devil really isn’t fond of unicorns, but likes Mia Sara just fine…
Papaya, Love Goddess of the Cannibals (1978), in which Joe D’Amato can’t see anything wrong with making a porno movie about anti-nuclear terrorists on a Caribbean island who are also a human-sacrificing Inca voodoo cult…
and…
The Plague (2006), in which the latest crop of Midwich kids take a more pro-active approach to the problems posed by their still-human elders.
#1 by Nathan Shumate on October 26, 2008 - 3:48 pm
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Meanwhile I’ve got eighteen more noirs from VCI to work through. Not fair!
#2 by hman on October 26, 2008 - 4:17 pm
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Wow, eighteen? Have you thought far ahead enough to consider your options for your post-Noir life? 🙂
#3 by lyzard on October 26, 2008 - 5:38 pm
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Cannibal Terror was a Video Nasty; that’s the only reason I know anything about it. No-one seems to think there’s any reason for it to have made The List, though, except for the word “cannibal” in the title.
#4 by El Santo on October 26, 2008 - 5:45 pm
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Well, there is quite a bit of gut-munching, but it’s of a decidedly sad and unconvincing nature.
#5 by Nathan Shumate on October 26, 2008 - 7:39 pm
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Hman, that’ll depend on the rest home my grandchildren have put me in by that time.
#6 by Songino on October 26, 2008 - 9:20 pm
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Thank you, El Santo, for teaching me the word “callipygian.” I now resolve to use it on the next girl I ask out just to see what happens.
#7 by KeithA on October 27, 2008 - 9:30 am
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Screeners? What are those?
#8 by James B. on October 27, 2008 - 3:22 pm
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Don’t ever watch the director’s cut of Legend, because it’s a lot worse by all those same measures — it suffers badly from Fantasy Movie, with characters learning things and stuff, and a big orchestral score doesn’t help. The extended version offers a bit more insight into Gump, who is more powerful and less happy with Jack than he appears to be in the theatrical version, but otherwise the snips do a lot to tighten up the plot. Also, comparing the two is a real lesson in the value of a soundtrack. The dancing scene, where Lily gets the Gown of Ultimate Gothness, goes completely limp with the original score. The only thing which sells that scene is Tangerine Dream’s music.
#9 by KeithA on October 27, 2008 - 3:59 pm
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Once again, the fate of the world is entrusted to a goofball and some comedy relief dwarves. Why is it always “Oh, the quest must be taken up by young squire Meeka nd his two fairy friends, Mr. Mumblybuns and Flinlaglolananala…nin.” Just once, why can’t it be, “Well, you made a right mess of things, Jack. Best call in Sir Awesome McAsskicker from the hamlet of Asskickingville to clean up this mess. Also, his best friend is a 97th level wizard.”
I know, I know. It’s audience identification. “See? Even a bumbling, meek nerd like you could save the world from darkness and bed Mia Sara.” But still. Maybe just once I want to identify with someone competent.
#10 by Blake Matthews on October 27, 2008 - 5:38 pm
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Hey Nathan, don’t worry about how much you still have yet to do. One day you will be a world authority on old noir film that nobody else remembers or even has even heard of, and that knowledge will open doors to power that those ignorant fools, with their Michael Bay blockbusters and whatnot, could only dream of!!!
#11 by Nathan Shumate on October 27, 2008 - 5:50 pm
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Power, sure, but will anyone actually want to read my site?
#12 by El Santo on October 27, 2008 - 8:06 pm
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“Well, you made a right mess of things, Jack. Best call in Sir Awesome McAsskicker from the hamlet of Asskickingville to clean up this mess. Also, his best friend is a 97th level wizard.”
Ever see Lucio Fulci’s Conquest? It doesn’t set out to, exactly, but in the end, it bears a striking resemblance to this scenario.
#13 by MatthewF on October 28, 2008 - 3:56 am
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“Best call in Sir Awesome McAsskicker from the hamlet of Asskickingville.”
That’s Sir Chuck Norris to you.