…and this is what I have to show for my attendance:

The Crippled Masters (1979), in which the Masters really are Crippled…

Gymkata (1985), in which an international gymnastics champion proves only slightly more convincing as a martial artist than a guy with no arms…

Heartbeeps (1981), in which Andy Kaufman is no funnier as a robot than he was as a carbon-based lifeform…

The Room (2003), or, How Vain Was My Vanity Project…

Troll 2 (1990), in which Claudio Fragasso shows the world that Troll wasn’t really so bad after all…

and…

War of the Robots (1978), in which (much as I hate to disagree with Keith) Yanti Somer’s adorable crewcut simply is not enough…
 
 
 

AMAZONS VS. SUPERMEN

Every now and then, something will parade across my screen that is too much for even me to excuse. It’s painful when it happens. As I’ve said many times, I’m hear to celebrate movies I enjoy, not rip apart movies I hate. And it’s doubly painful when I discover that a movie I was certain I was going to like ends up being almost totally unwatchable. Alas, such was the case with Amazons vs. Supermen, a movie that, on paper, seems to have been written specifically to delight me. Three super warriors, including one goofball in a bondage mask and chain mail miniskirt, a big strong guy in studded leather, and a kungfu guy, team up to battle scantily clad Amazons. Oh, and Hong Kong’s Shaw Bros. Studio is co-producing, which means the kungfu guy is martial arts movie superstar Yueh Hwa. There will also be flame-throwing wooden tanks (which seems like a terrible combination of vehicle fabrication material and mode of attack). And one more thing: Alfonso Brescia is directing. Now those things are prime ingredients in making any cake I will gleefully gobble down. And yet, by the end of the thing, which seemed to take forever to get to, all I could do was shake my head in dazed confusion as I tried to figure out how it could have all gone so terribly wrong. Of course, many people will throw up their arms and exclaim, “Alfonso Brescia was the director? What about that signaled any chance of success?” To which I can but meekly respond, “Well, I kinda like Alfonso Brescia movies.”

Still more SCIENCE IN THE REEL WORLD:

DR EHRLICH’S MAGIC BULLET (1940): – a fitting tribute to the brilliance of Paul Ehrlich, and a fascinating example of studio manoeuvring under the Production Code.

POWDER TOWN (1942): – in which the worst fears of Eros the alien are justified…

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In other news, I have recovered, re-formatted and added screenshots to my review of Destination Moon (1950), and re-formatted The Flying Saucer (1950).

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HEARTS & ARMOUR
I think my problem with Hearts and Armour stems from the fact that it is one of the few films of its kind that I didn’t see when it was originally released. Others like Conan, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Beastmaster and a whole slew of others, I saw either at the cinema or later, immediately when they were released on video. I saw these films during my formative years and at a time of where these films were relevant to my peers. In that regard I probably overlook and forgive many of the flaws in those films because I know them so well or I simply have a retrospective positive association with each film. But not so Hearts and Armour. I have no inbuilt love for the film.

Back when I reviewed The Bird With the Crystal Plumage (1970), I compared that film positively to examples of the giallo genre (that’s the Italian crime/slasher genre of the late ’60s and ’70s, in case you didn’t know) in which not only was the plot nonsensical, as was par for the course for these movies, but the direction didn’t rise above the screenplay. And here we have Watch Me When I Kill (1977) as a convenient example of the latter! Thank you, boxed set from VCI Entertainment, for covering the range of the giallo!

Also: This week’s choices for Reader Revenge Month are The Divine Enforcer (1992), Django (1966), and The Tenement (2003).

SORCERESS
Sword and sorcery movies are perhaps the purest distillation of a ten-year-old boy’s mind that a ten-year-old boy could ever hope for. Yes, yes, I know. Ten year old boys were too young to watch such filth. We were also too young to read Heavy Metal magazine, know who Sylvia Kristel was, and have opinions about the best Playmates. Sword and sorcery movies were great because not only could you stay up late and watch the R-rated ones, but even the PG ones were full of everything we wanted: monsters, gore, and big-boobed chicks wearing tiny fur bikinis, if they were wearing anything at all. And if that represents the purest distillation of a ten-year-old boy’s mind, then the movie Sorceress represents a sort of cask strength version of that particular spirit. Because Sorceress asks the question, “Sure, what if you had all that, but also the heroes are hot, naked twins?”

After the announcement of 10,000 B.S. the other day, The Rev D.D., one of our regulars, remarked, “Prehistoric Women…I haven’t seen the Hammer one. I have seen the one from the early ’50s, though, and…MAN that one was pain. Except for the “dragon,” which was one of the GREATEST THINGS EVER FILMED.” – a comment posted, as far as I can figure, about four hours after I finished watching Prehistoric Women for the purposes of this Roundtable.

Truthfully…I am just a little creeped out right now.

PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1950)

    In which the members of an all-female prehistoric tribe, who have been feeling – nudge, nudge – “restless”, are sent out by their Wise One to find themselves – nudge, nudge – “husbands”.

The result is a battle of the sexes dramatically highlighted by the savage attack on the tribespeople by a duck wearing a Halloween mask. As a bonus, the film comes with a narrator who helpfully explains EVERY SINGLE DETAIL OF EVERY SINGLE SCENE. Because, you know, the plot’s so complicated.

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WHEN WOMEN LOST THEIR TAILS
Regardless of whether or not the viewer is in line with When Women Lost Their Tails‘ political viewpoint, I think he or she has to agree that it is a much more interesting film with it than it would be without. The cinematic landscape is littered with knuckleheaded sex farces set against a broadly satirical historical backdrop – with not an inconsiderable number set in the Stone Age among them. But, with When Women Lost Their Tails, what we get is like the lyrics of a Gang of Four song acted out within the context of a slightly naughty fanfic version of The Flintstones. If nothing else, it certainly makes for unique viewing, and offers enough in terms of audacity alone to keep one watching until the end. What makes the journey a bit rougher, though, is the queasy disconnect between the film’s superficial layer of lounge-pop marinated goofiness and the unutterably bleak take on the human condition that festers at its core. With its vision of a human race whose existence boils down to either blinding, almost protozoan idiocy on the one hand or vicious, self-devouring avarice and cynicism on the other — with nothing in the middle — it’s enough to make even the most misanthropic giallo seem like a Frank Capra joint by comparison, ebullient Bruno Nicolai score notwithstanding.

I imagine some B movie fans might think they are getting something good with The Sword Of The Barbarians upon seeing the poster or the video box art. They are probably thinking, “A Conan clone done by the Italians? That should mean plenty of unintended laughs along with the majestic backdrops, bloody action, and women who like to show off their melon-sized breasts. And it was picked up by The Cannon Group, who knew a thing or two about exploitation.” Sad to say, the end results, save for the occasional laugh, are pretty dull. In fact, the movie is bad enough in so many ways to embarrass even Ator.

In Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard (1997), a young would-be magician accidentally gets his hands on an ring ensorcelled by Merlin himself.  Had be been a few years older and we would have gotten essentially another entry in the Zapped! franchise; as it is, the worst he does is inadvertently makes his sister disappear.

Plus: Vote for upcoming movies in Reader Revenge Month!  This week’s options: The Bloody Judge (1970), The Delta Force (1986), or Lethal Ninja (1993).