Opinion is extremely divided on the horror movie The Convent. Those who have seen it seem to love it or hate it, with no one taking the middle ground. Although I can’t say that I didn’t find any faults with the movie, I am still among those who love it. Yes, it’s often extremely silly, but that’s part of its charm. And the moments of extreme violence are pleasing as well. I’ve tried to write a pretty spoiler-free review, so you can be pleasantly surprised like I was by the movie’s unique efforts to entertain when you sit down to watch it.
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- 35: Don’t Touch That Dial!
- 36: He Conquered the World
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- 44: Teeth and Tentacles
- 45: Brunoween
- 46: Howl of the B-Masters
- 47: It’s Alive!
- 48: Bad, Black and Beautiful
- 49: Don’t Quit Your Day Job
- 50: B-Mentia 15
- 51: Quelle Horreur!
- 52: Carradine, Thou Wayward Son!
- 53: Tall, Dark and Gruesome
- 54: Pets Gone Wild
- 55: The Bad Place
- 56: From The Bible To Barbarella
- 57: A Fistful Of Pennies
- 58: Hello, Dolly
- 59: No, Not That One!
- 60: Dr Terror’s House Of Honours
- 61: WTF!?
- 62: In The Key Of B
- 63: The Forgotten Dawn Of Horror
- 64: The Most Dangerous Roundtable
- 65: Room For One More
- 66: Were-WHAT?
- 67: The China Anniversary Syndrome
- 68: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 2
- 69: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 3
- 70: The China Anniversary Syndrome: Part 4
- The Links We Love
#1 by Blake on May 13, 2010 - 10:16 am
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My mother-in-law studied at a school run by nuns and she doesn’t have very many positive things to say about them. She said a number of them were women who had done a lot of bad things, repented, and tried to make up for their actions being a bunch of insufferable holier-than-thou-art’s.
#2 by Bryan on May 13, 2010 - 1:47 pm
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Ah, one of my top 15 movies! I first saw this at an all-night movie fest. Knew nothing about it. LOVED IT. The only slow part was the restaurant, but oh well, it only lasted 10 minutes. I wonder if you got a bad disc, since I didn’t have any of the lighting problems that you mentioned. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen when you mentioned the lead Satanist! I agree the interiors were sparse, but I thought they were quite passable. Great review- giving away too much would ruin the experience. One thing I liked that turned off others was the makeup; I thought it was a neat departure from the usual. And Bowser, even he put in a good performance. Ah, I must watch it again tonight! Great job!
#3 by lyzard on May 14, 2010 - 1:28 am
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I’m thinking that your friend doesn’t know much about the actual mating habits of slugs.
#4 by Blake on May 14, 2010 - 5:16 am
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Isn’t there a species of slug that has to (WARNING: Be careful if you’re a guy) gnaw off its own penis after sex?
#5 by The Rev. D.D. on May 14, 2010 - 7:53 am
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Goddammit Blake.
Not for what you posted in and of itself, but because it immediately made me type “slug bites off own penis” into my search engine.
I didn’t find anything about a slug that bites off its own, but several species (including banana slugs) will have one or sometimes both bite it off the other one after mating. I don’t think it always happens, just if they get tangled and can’t free themselves. Which, considering the corkscrew shape their penis can take, isn’t surprising.
Now you all can have this in your heads, just as I do.
Sweet dreams, everyone! MUWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
#6 by Braineater on May 14, 2010 - 11:18 am
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“Nom, nom, nom… hey, you know, this really doesn’t taste like banana… nom, nom, nom… “
#7 by El Santo on May 14, 2010 - 12:46 pm
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Allow me to make it even worse for you, Reverend. Ever seen a slug’s mouthparts up close? No? Do a quick image search on “radula,” then. Don’t bother to thank me, it’s quite alright…
#8 by The Rev. D.D. on May 14, 2010 - 5:27 pm
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Why of course I have, El Santo! I also know that radula means “four little fangs in a gaping, lipped mouth”!
Unless the movies have once again lied to me…
Anyway, yeah, I’ve seen them before, and that is just another lovely part of the delightful nightmare fuel that is slug sex. Thanks for bringing it up though; I’m betting someone else reading this doesn’t know about it, and soon enough you’ll hear their anguished screams and your feast of pain can begin.
MAN you B-Masters are sadistic bastards.
#9 by blake on May 14, 2010 - 9:00 pm
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“MAN you B-Masters are sadistic bastards.”
As their groupie, I say the following on their behalf: “We aim to please.”
#10 by lyzard on May 15, 2010 - 2:19 am
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Actually, I was just thinking about the nicer side of sluggy mating. You know – hermaphrodite sex, while dangling in mid-air, via genitalia they keep in their heads?
But you guys… You guys are sick.
#11 by The Rev. D.D. on May 15, 2010 - 10:27 am
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I have to admit that there’s something enchanting about their midair ballet, especially when narrated by Sir David Attenborough. Too bad I had to delve further into it. Damn my scientific curiosity!
“You guys are sick.”
I thinkthat’s been established for El Santo and Will. Since he started all this, we can say it has been for blake as well. As for myself, well, from your own hands: “You’re a sick, sick man, Rev.”
After this interesting look into your psyche re: midair hermaphrodite head-genital reproduction, I can only say…
WE ACCEPT YOU. ONE OF US.
#12 by Braineater on May 15, 2010 - 2:45 pm
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Hell yeah. Anything that gets me mentioned in the same breath as El Santo, I accept as a badge of honor.
But let’s give credit where credit is due: it’s Keith B. who got this particularly sticky ball rolling — or should I have said “barrel”? — with the original review.
Gooble gobble.
#13 by Braineater on May 15, 2010 - 2:36 pm
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Or, as they call that in Japan, “Thursday”.
#14 by DamonD on May 18, 2010 - 3:12 am
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Keith gives us demonic nuns, we instead talk about penis-munching slugs.
The Convent holds no horrors for the B-Masters Cabal.
#15 by The Rev. D.D. on May 19, 2010 - 10:34 am
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I really want to track this movie down now, though. Sounds like a fun time, and I’m pretty jazzed to see those opening and closing sequences K.B. was dancing around.
#16 by Blake on May 19, 2010 - 11:06 am
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“Since he started all this, we can say it has been for blake as well. ”
It’s simply that I refuse to see my fellow human beings dwindle in ignorance with regards to the mating habits of banana slugs.