Just, like, pretend all the Christmas-themed reviews went up a month ago, or something…

Bloody Christmas (2012), in which the guy running around murdering people on or about Christmas isn’t wearing a Santa suit for once…

The Devil’s Commandment (1956), which ought to be a lot better known than it is, considering that it was the first Italian horror movie since the silent age…

Django Unchained (2012), which I’d like to take the entire state of South Carolina to see…

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012), in which [SPOILERS] nobody actually reaches their destination…

The Magic Christmas Tree (1964), which is basically the screwiest version of “The Monkey’s Paw” ever…

Malibu High (1979), in which a trashy, girtty 70′s neo-noir dresses up Leatherface-style in the flayed skin of a teen sex comedy…

Monster a Go-Go (1965), in which yet another B-Master conspicuously fails to learn from Ken’s mistakes…

Rescued from an Eagle’s Nest (1908), in which [ATTENTION, LYZ!] the Edison Company steals a 50-year march on what previously looked like the original animal-attack movie…

and…

Santa Claus (1959), in which Rene Cardona and his accomplices somehow make it seem logical for Santa to battle Satan with the aid of Merlin and Vulcan.
 
 
 
 

The Jerry Gross production Teenage Mother happened to be the big screen debut of a now-famous comedic actor. It’s difficult to determine which is more embarrassing for that actor – appearing in this movie, or his much publicized arrest last summer.

Only in the 1970s could a movie as offbeat as Steelyard Blues been made. Some might say that there would only be an audience for such an unconventional movie in the 1970s. But I have to admit that this film pleased this present day nonconformist reviewer.

Originally, I had grand plans to review four films in four days, leading up to the launch of the new year with giant monsters, ragged dragons, and so so many cartoon laser beams being fired from eyes and spears. But then there was the flu…

Still, I managed to get the two most important ones out the door. I cannot think of a more accurate way to learn about the mythology of other countries than via giants throwing buildings at each other, and so…

NOBLE WAR
In which Sompote Sands, Thailand’s most infamous film maker, decides Thai mythology needs more colors, more giant gods, more vomiting, and of course, more dudes getting stomped in the testicles. Still, it’shard to argue with the visual riot that blazes across the screen as a result.

WAR GOD
And here you thought Guan Yu was just the red-faced warrior to which Hong Kong cops paid respects, totally skipping over the part where he is 150 feet tall and defends the Earth from space invaders and, more importantly, the evils of scientific thought.

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…for why I’m reviewing a Doris Day film.

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JULIE (1956)

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Lou Ferrigno has certainly been in a number of bad movies in his career, with The Seven Magnificent Gladiators, two Hercules movies, Liberty & Bash, Sinbad Of The Seven Seas, and Hangfire being just some of them. So it probably comes as no surprise that his movie Cage is another stinker. What is surprising, however, is how offensive parts of the movie are, offensive even to this critic who has seen it all.

Many of us have had the dream of being a cowboy and riding gloriously on the range. But the revisionist western The Culpepper Cattle Co. reveals the truth of what life was like for cowboys in The Wild West. It was a life that will make you thankful for being able to live in the twenty-first century.

What do you get when you add Michael Caine and Roger Moore to a movie produced by schlockmeister Menahem Golan and directed by the heavy hand of Michael Winner (Death Wish)? You get Bullseye!, a movie that hits far, far from its intended target.

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Nyah!!

NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES (1969 / 1972)

In which a doctor tries to cure his son of terminal looseemia by transplanting into him the heart of a gorilla, so that he can withstand transfusions of gorilla blood. Unexpectedly, this plan goes wrong. Some men die, and some women get nekkid and then die. And there’s wrestling. And we all get depraved and corrupted.

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[It’s a Video Nasty, so pretty obviously NSFW: nudity, gore effects, heart surgery, and wrestling.]

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