The B-Masters Cabal

DIAMONDS OF KILIMANDJARO
If you are going to like Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, you are going to have to really like two things: naked women and random shots of jungle foliage, because that’s about all this movie is comprised of. In fact, they should have just titled it Boobs and Foliage, because it’s not like I wouldn’t watch a movie called Boobs and Foliage. In fact, I’d probably be more likely to watch Boobs and Foliage than something called Diamonds of Kilimandjaro.

Oh yeah — though a Jess Franco directed naked jungle girl adventure movie reviewed by me should make this self-evident, the review is not exactly safe viewing for work.

I probably shouldn’t tell you that Loop (2007) was written and directed by, and stars, Pericles “Redneck Zombies” Lewnes, because you’ll have entirely the wrong idea about the movie.  Yes, it’s dirt cheap (the name of his prodco is Pocket Change Pictures, LLC) and shot on video, but it’s also thoughtful and thought-provoking.  So enjoyment of Redneck Zombies would be no pre-indicator for this one.

THRONE OF FIRE
At my age, and with my experience, I shouldn’t fall for it. And yet, on occasion, I’m still taken in by cool posters and cover art. At these times, I actually leave my body and hover above myself, screaming warnings but powerless to prevent my corporeal self from plunking down a wad of cash on a movie that has a cool looking cover. “You fool! You know the movie isn’t going to be anything like the cover!” my spirit cries, but alas his words are unable to prevent the transaction. And so it is I end up owning movies like Throne of Fire, a dreary, slow-moving, largely uninteresting Italian sword and sorcery film with a cover that featured an illustration of a big-breasted nude chick swinging around a sword and wearing a little metal thong. “This looks pretty good,” I said to myself, even as my other disembodied self was shouting, “Dude, seriously! That chick probably never even shows up in the movie! Didn’t you learn anything from the cover of Hot Potato???”

SO DARLING, SO DEADLY
For the first half hour or more of the film, you’ll wonder if there’s even a plot, but even if you decide there isn’t, you’re not going to care, because everything is just that cool. After a series of assassinations, we meet up with tough-as-nails police captain Tom Rowland (big Brad Harris) and sleazy, cheesy private investigator Joe Walker (Tony Kendall), in Singapore, where mysterious, often female assailants start attempting to assassinate the duo as soon as their plane lands. However, this is Rowland and Walker we’re talking about, so their plane exploding on the tarmac, their train exploding on the rails, or the multiple killers taking potshots at them aren’t even close to enough to keep them from going water skiing or hitting on the chicks down by the pool at their hotel. Eventually, they get around to their case, which involves protecting a professor and his super secret weapon, which is yet another dumb laser beam that takes ten times as long and is ten times as complicated in performing a feat that would have been ten times more effective if you just used a missile or something.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do keep records about that sort of thing.  Here’s what’s new:

The Drums of Jeopardy (1931), in which Warner Oland isn’t playing Fu Manchu, but he might as well be…

Eraserhead (1977), in which marriage sucks, families suck, one-night stands suck, Philadelphia sucks, and parenthood sucks worse than the whole lot combined…

976-EVIL (1989), in which Rhet Topham and Brian Helgeland apparently never do finish writing the script…

Planet of Storms (1962), in which Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet and Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women turn out to be a whole lot more sensible than you thought…

Skull & Bones (2007), in which El Santo wonders why he ever agrees to accept screeners…

and…

The Student of Prague (1926), in which many of the potential complaints with the earlier version are addressed quite satisfactorily.

I mean, the seventh month to the Chinese is like a whole month of Halloween!  Granted, it’s the spooky old Irish-style Halloween, where the unquiet dead can rise and afflict the living unless you’re up every night chanting and burning incense… Okay, I guess that’s not entirely cool.  Especially if the incense-burning doesn’t work, and the dead are still pissed.  It’s Ghost Month (2007)!

(Posting early so I can get out of town.  Happy pre-Turkey Day, my fellow turkey worshippers!)

J.R. Bookwalter’s shot-on-video horror flick Kingdom of the Vampire (1991) has its exsanguinated heart in the right place.  And really, if you think you can make a better movie for $2500, be my guest.  (Hell, half of Hollywood can’t make a better movie if you spot them six zeros.)

You might be thinking to yourself, “those lazy bastards at Stomp Tokyo are just trying to put some positive spin on the fact that their contribution to the Month of the Living Dead roundtable is two weeks late,” and you’d be right, dear reader. But look at it this way – isn’t it nice when you get a birthday present a few weeks late? Doesn’t it feel great to extend the celebration of your very existence beyond the single day allotted to you each year?

Why should the Month of the Living Dead be any different?

With that rather convenient attitude in mind, Stomp Tokyo presents a review of The Zombie Diaries (2006), a quiet little zombie pic from across the pond. If you listen closely, you can hear the zombies moan with British accents.

Other recent developments from the House of Stomp: a celebration of 11 years of inconsistent b-movie coverage and a new episode of the Stomp Tokyo podcast. It’s an embarrassment of riches, really. Gorge yourself like the cinezombie you are.