The B-Masters Cabal

I’m stuffed full (but never tired) of tacos, BBQ, beer, and fun as a result of SXSW, plus Stomp Tokyo bought me an awesome hot dog and drink at Frank, but we still managed to churn out a semi-coherent review thanks largely to my desire to have more pics of Olga Kurylenko ion the site.

CENTURION

Neil Marshall has basically been making the same movie his entire career, tweaking the formula here and there, refining the process, but ultimately still turning in survival horror about a group of well-trained individuals who find themselves facing overwhelming odds behind enemy lines. Dog Soldiers saw British special forces troops besieged by werewolves in a remote farmhouse. The Descent pitted cavers against subterranean beasts in the wilds of Appalachia. Doomsday threw a crack military squad into a post-apocalyptic Scotland. And now comes Centurion, a movie that is basically “what if it was Doomsday, but in Roman times?” Lucky for me and Marshall, I’ve enjoyed all his films. I liked Dog Soldiers a lot, absolutely loved The Descent, thought Doomsday was fucking wonderful, and was pretty damn happy with Centurion.

Also, Teleport City’s first video game review, and Timur Bekmambetov gets more use out of that special effect of a car driving up a building he used in Daywatch.

SEXY KILLER As well as legendary martial arts epics, the brothers Shaw also produced comedies, thrillers, musicals, Peking operas, sci-fi and horror flicks. Slightly less well-known is the studio’s extensive back catalogues of more adult fare, of which 1976′s The Sexy Killer is a pretty characteristic example. From the title you probably already have a good idea of what the film is like, and when I reveal that in some territories the movie was released as The Drug Connection your mental picture should be further reinforced. Yes, it’s those old exploitation favourites: sex and drugs, so on that note, let’s rock & roll!
MIRROR’S EDGE There were three games in particular that initially made me decide I wanted to get a slightly more up to date game system: Resident Evil 5, Mass Effect, and Mirror’s Edge. Of the three, two were runaway hits; one is considered one of the greatest video games of all time. And one was a total flop that, despite boasting numerous flaws and poor financial performance, garnered a small but dedicated cult following. Guess which one I chose to review for our first video game article?
BLACK LIGHTNING I assume you’re familiar with Sam Raimi’s excellent 2002 adaptation of Spider-Man. But in case you’re not or just need reminding, here’s a quick recap of the plot. Peter Parker sees the girl of his dreams being wooed by a wealthy jock with a flash car. Deciding what he needs is a cool set of wheels, he uses his recently acquired spider powers to enter a wrestling contest for money, only to see through his inaction, his beloved Uncle Ben shot and killed. The 2009 Russian film Black Lightning (produced as all Russian movies apparently are by Night Watch’s Timur Bekmambetov) uses the same plot, but asks the one important question Spider-Man left dangling; ‘what about the car? What about the car??’

With the publicity starting to be released for the Steven Spielberg-directed Tintin movie coming out later this year, I thought it would be interesting to review one of the past cinematic adaptations of Herge’s comic book creation. I chose to look at Tintin And The Mystery Of The Golden Fleece. Knowing beforehand that it was a live-action adaptation, and that it was using a story not written by Herge, my expectations weren’t that grand. But I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the end results.

DAGON

“Dagon” is mostly based on another of Lovecraft’s short stories, being about 65% “The Shadow Over Innsmouth.” The remainder is 5% “Dagon” and 30% miscellaneous ideas (mostly mutant fish person incest).

Review Snippet:
Personally, I’d have taken one look at the locals and decided they were either inbreds, fish mutants, or both (inbred fish mutants). In addition to being spooky in the conversation department, the people of Imboca have pale, clammy-looking skin, bizarre webbing between their fingers, and they never blink. Weirdo freakos, man. Them not blinking is a rather nice touch, even if it looks like the effect was accomplished by the actors wearing uncomfortable contact inserts. The villagers also tend to wander around with rusty knives and farming implements. The only place I have ever been that is scarier than Imboca is West Virginia.

Ah, West Virginia, where the people outnumber the teeth.

Lesson Learned:
Fish got nards.

Well, somebody has to post the lamest article of the roundtable–and ‘somebody’ is usually me, so I might as well embrace it. It’s a poor workman who blames his tools, but crimminy, I can only hope I end up with something a bit meatier next time than Full Moon’s epically mediocre Lurking Fear. It’s not doing Lovecraft any favors either, believe me.

DIE, MONSTER, DIE! (1965)

In which Howard Phillips Lovecraft receives full screen credit for the very first time…and really wishes he hadn’t.

Stephen Reinhart, an American, travels to Arkham, England, at the invitation of his girlfriend’s mother. He arrives to finds Susan’s family in the grip of a strange force, which has blighted the surrounding countryside and brought illness and death to the Witley household.

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Could this force be:

(a) Radiation?
(b) Unspeakable evil from beyond?
(c) The family chickens coming home to roost?
(d) All of the above?

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YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE:  Unfortunately, due to some organisational issues, the screeners for The Whisperer In The Darkness have not reached the relevant parties in time for this Roundtable. However, when they do arrive, the film will be reviewed, and you will be notified here as usual. So, as they say, please watch this space.