| SALUTE OF THE JUGGER/BLOOD OF HEROES
When Salute of the Jugger was being made I read and interview in the local press with Hauer, where he said that he didn’t have a home. He was a nomad and moved from one film upon completion to the next. He would set up a temporary base in whatever city his work would take him to. Then again, suggesting that he was a nomad, on the set of a film in which he plays a nomad, may have been just a timely bit of copy or a soundbite for the media. This may (or may not) explain some of the poor film and career choices he has made. Maybe if he had a home, he could take time off and sit back and ‘carefully’ read the scripts that were coming his way, and decide if these were really the roles for him. |
|
Hey, Lyz? It's Thursday.
Feb 24
A great idea was posted in the last “Gives Me Chills” post’s comments: Why not have a PhotoShop contest, with readers and participants giving their new, improved covers for the movies mocked in the series?
To the Batcave!
Here are the rules, then. Pick a previous entry on “Gives Me Chills” (I’ve just added a new category for them, so just click here) and design a new cover, using either elements of the existing cover or new images of your own gathering. (Since this isn’t for commercial use, I’m not going to require you to use public domain or Creative Commons-licensed images, but if your design is overwhelmingly based on someone else’s image, you ought to credit it. Don’t you think?)
You MAY NOT change the title. Sorry. Other text is fair game, though.
Contest will end March 10th. Entries will be judged by the combined Cabal in closed conclave; criteria will not only be improvement over the existing cover, effectiveness in still portraying the same movie in the best light, and general design. Prize will be… I dunno. I’ve got stuff. I’ll find something.
Send all entries to chillscontest@gmail.com. Contest will end March 10th.
Let all of your Worth1000-wannabe buddies know!
Gives Me Chills, Pt. XI.
Feb 22
This installment of “Gives Me Chills” (and no, I never knew that this would be a continuing series when I started) is kind of special. I know that the movie in question has been floating around for at least two or three years, looking for distribution. You can kinda tell, too; the subject matter is something that was all over the news several crises ago, and then was dropped by the ADHD-afflicted mainstream media when a new apocalyptically-overkilled potential catastrophe overtook and almost-but-didn’t-quite killed us all.
Anyway. I saw this bandied about on industry messageboards for a couple of years, always a laughingstock, and always with some lame key art. I had hoped that, if ever it got a for-real distributor, they’d find some way to market it better.
They didn’t.
Yeah, my roundtable contribution this time around is, shall we say, a marginal example.
Cabiria (1914), in which you never can tell which aspect of a movie is going to give rise to a major pop-culture phenomenon…
Evilution (2007), in which we see that when zombies are involved, good old-fashioned overkill might occasionally be better than the more nuanced approaches favored by modern militaries…
100 Monsters (1968), in which a singularly peculiar attempt at gentrification faces a singularly peculiar form of neighborhood activism…
The Shuttered Room (1967), in which David Greene and D. B. Ledrov appropriately treat their “collaboration” with August Derleth about the same way that Derleth treated his “collaborations” with H. P. Lovecraft…
and…
Transatlantic Tunnel (1935), in which some people apparently can’t tell when a job is more than difficult enough already.
In which the first ever adaptation of an H.P. Lovecraft story goes out into the cinematic world disguised as something else: faux-Poe.
In the village of Arkham, Joseph Curwen, suspected of trying bring the Elder Gods back into this universe by mating them with human females, is dragged out of his house and burned to death by an enraged mob. He dies cursing the village and all those who have had a hand in his death.
One hundred and ten years later, Curwen’s great-great-grandson, Charles Dexter Ward, arrives with his wife, Ann, to look over the Arkham property he has just inherited. In rapid succession, he ignores (1) a frightened coachman, (2) hostile townspeople, and (3) a mutated girl.
I think it’s fair to say he deserves what he gets…
Zut Alors!
Feb 18
| VIDOCQ
One leaves Vidocq with the impression that Pitof would be right at home directing a Hollywood summer blockbuster; he prefers visuals to dialogue, loves to slap on the CGI and edits like a caffeinated hummingbird. Unfortunately, everything went horribly, horribly wrong. Whether or not Catwoman ended the guy’s career — as many predicted — at least he’ll have one halfway decent film under his belt. Which is one more than McG, anyway. |
 |
| DR. MORDRID
So why aren’t you familiar with the Dr. Strange movie that Full Moon made? Because, er, they never made it. By the time the project was ready to go into production, the option on the character had lapsed. But that wasn’t going to stop Band, who by now had a perfectly good screenpla… a screenplay, and after the liberal application of Wite-Out (other correction fluids are available), Dr. Strange became Dr. Anton Mordrid, Master of the Unknown. In the starring role was Full Moon regular and B-movie fan favourite Jeffrey Combs. |
 |
And now, a movie for those who think normal professional wrestling is just too realistic.
Yes, we have big piranhas.
Feb 17
Tiffany creates piranhas large enough to eat a battleship. The fish never stop growing and never stop eating, despite the fact that they don’t need to eat to grow and were meant to grow to eat.
If what I just wrote doesn’t make any sense to you, then I have successfully captured the spirit of this film.
Review Snippet:
Before long, the school of rapidly growing piranhas reaches a major harbor along the river. The carnage is horrific. Not because, as you might suspect, the fish eat everything and everybody in the water. The Mega Piranhas have a startling tendency to leap out of the water at buildings. Upon crashing into a building, a fish then explodes.
Exactly why the piranhas jump into the buildings is never explained. Maybe they are attacking their own reflection, which is odd behavior for animals that travel in schools, or perhaps they are just trying to steal Wi-Fi.
Lesson Learned:
A Hyundai can outrun a Blackhawk helicopter.
Gives Me Chills, Pt. X.
Feb 16
Amazon has the release date for this movie as October 6, 2009, but they have never had the cover available for view. I found it listed on eBay, and I discovered why:
No, the director’s last name isn’t “Hayden’s,” or even “Haydens.” It’s “Hayden.” Why the possessive? THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, MAN! THAT’S THE NATURE OF ART!!
Edit: Oh, and someone with the coincidental name of “Taylor” posted this in a five-star review on the Amazon page:
People making a movie find a curse is with it.Everything goes horribly wrong…in a horrible way. With Jael from “Americas Nxt Top Model” and Isabelle from Bravos “Make Me A Suprmodel”. To watch a preview go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUKNxHJf1uw
Somebody else look. I’m scared to.