A long time ago… I mean, from now… in a galaxy far, far away happen the events of Starchaser: The Legend Of Orin. Despite the change in time, the movie still comes across as very familiar – among other problems.

Also one with a has-been athlete, for those of you who can’t get enough of sportsball guys making asses of themselves.  A bunch of other stuff, too, as you can see:

Blood and Black Lace (1964), in which eating disorders are the least of these models’ worries…

Destroyer (1988), in which I call your attention to the frigging laser sight on the jackhammer in the poster art, which sadly has no basis in the reality of this feeble little film…

The Evil Eye (1963), in which an obsession with paperback murder mysteries occasionally comes in handy…

Hercules (2014), in which Herc isn’t the son of a god, and never really fought a monster, but the movie somehow turns out okay anyway…

The Man from Beyond (1922), in which Harry Houdini’s plan to carve out a new niche for himself in the movies continues not to pan out…

Snowpiercer (2013), in which an impressively international cast, crew, and creative team deliver a timely piss-take on Atlas Shrugged…

and…

The Warriors (1979), in which a street gang’s commute from the Bronx back to Coney Island manages to pack in as much danger and adventure as the Great Wanderings of Odysseus.

Unlike many B movie fans, I generally don’t think much of the movies made by Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago. One exception, however, is Eye Of The Eagle 3, an actioner that compensates for some major weaknesses with its first rate action sequences.

“I’m having trouble coming up with one for Lyz,” commented the Rev D. D. presciently, when this Roundtable was announced.

And indeed…

“Man,” I thought to myself when this topic was voted in, “I’m really in deeeeep trouble!”

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…so it is with a certain sense of shame and several sincere mea culpas directed at the Reverend Roosevelt Grier that we present:

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THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)

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Dick Butkus, former football player for the Chicago Bears, plays the antagonist in Hamburger: The Motion Picture. He’s not very good, but his poor performance still beats the efforts of just about everyone else associated with this movie.

Although the documentary Death Riders is undernourished in the human angle, it all the same remains an often fascinating look at a type of entertainment that does not exist anymore.

Hands of the Ripper (1971), in which Red Jack’s daughter is almost as big a pain in the ass as he was…

Münchhausen (1943), in which not all wartime propaganda films look like wartime propaganda films…

Night of the Living Dead (1990), in which you better believe they remembered the copyright notice this time…

and…

Wheels of Terror (1990), in which you might as well just watch Duel and The Car again instead, were it not for one curious thing.

The comedy Weekend Warriors was the first movie Bert Convy directed. It doesn’t take long upon watching it to find out why it was also the last.

If you are looking for a movie with romance and intrigue, The Tamarind Seed is a pretty safe bet, with its two lead actors at the top of their game.

One of a number of movies John Travolta made while struggling to make a comeback, Eyes Of An Angel is so wrong-headed in so many ways that you have to wonder about the quality of the proposed projects Travolta passed on in favor of making this one.

(NOTE: Apologies for recent Unknown Movies web site problems. I am working on a solution. Until then, if you can’t access the web site, try again a few minutes later.)