The poster promises an unstoppable motorcycle-hurling monster, cops clutching their useless submachine guns, and buxom beauties screaming in terror at a hairy beast that “breeds with anything.” As great as all that sounds, it’s not the movie that I watched. Not even close.
Lesson learned:
Sometimes the best part of a movie is the poster.
Sometimes you just really want to be done with something, though, you know? And although I’m still not quite there yet, this does at least get me to the bottom of my drummer’s box set:
Georges Melies Trick Films, 1897, in which the celebrated cinematic pioneer discovers the value of ripping off one’s own earlier successes and the drawing power of a shapely behind…
Saw III (2006), In which you can practically hear the Jigsaw Killer’s electronically distorted voice asking the filmmakers how much narrative integrity they’re willing to sacrifice to have a twist ending…
Saw IV (2007), In which the Saw series intrepidly Evel Knievels its way over a veritable squadron of sharks…
Saw V (2008), in which it redeems itself just the slightest bit after it’s already much too late…
Scream of Fear (1961), in which Hammer tries its hand at psycho-horror for the first time…
and…
Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (1977), in which the Abominable Snowman impersonates King Kong.
Even if Bill Rebane’s The Capture of Bigfoot (1979) were stellar in all other respects — top-notch cast, sparkling cinematography, a superlative script — I would still hold against him the fact that he made Bigfoot’s pelt white. That’s all hypothetical, though.
(P.S. The Golden Age of Crap is now available for Kindle!)
May 19
May 15
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A Colorado resort is terrorised by a rampaging (if barely glimpsed) killer hominid, which chooses of all times the days prior to the resort’s 50th Anniversary Winter Carnival to start preying on the guests.
However, the local economy depends upon the carnival, so they can’t possibly close the ski resort…
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[By the way, I do still hope to get that housekeeping done…]
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Creature from Black Lake (1976)
Some people say they don’t exist… but others say they’re out there somewhere, just on the edges of civilization, seen by only a few hardy souls.
You know what I mean: the rare, elusive halfway-decent Bigfoot movie.
But wait — I’ve brought back some evidence they exist! Here’s one, dragged back from the depths of the 1970’s, that I think may prove to be the Missing Link between competent film-making and the Sasquatch subgenre. Judge for yourselves!
(Note: While loading, the review may either flicker or leave you stuck halfway down the page. I tried to do something a little different this time from a technical standpoint, and it may not work for everybody. Sorry!)
May 13
Opinion is extremely divided on the horror movie The Convent. Those who have seen it seem to love it or hate it, with no one taking the middle ground. Although I can’t say that I didn’t find any faults with the movie, I am still among those who love it. Yes, it’s often extremely silly, but that’s part of its charm. And the moments of extreme violence are pleasing as well. I’ve tried to write a pretty spoiler-free review, so you can be pleasantly surprised like I was by the movie’s unique efforts to entertain when you sit down to watch it.
May 12
Any semi-faithful adaptation of Daniel Dafoe’s Robinson Crusoe is going to be essentially a one-man play for at least two-thirds of the running time. For the 1954 film version, Spanish director Luis Bunuel chose little-known Irish actor Dan O’Herlihy in the title role. It was a good choice.
By the way, if any of you are try-before-you-buyers, you can see a three-page PDF preview of The Golden Age of Crap here.
This was the film that almost broke the audience’s back at B-Fest 2010, and nearly got me lynched in the process. Lady Gaga’s android army returns in this Italian space opera that is desperately in need of an editor. Every scene, and I do mean every scene, lasts five times longer than it should. The climatic final battle takes almost half an hour. You will probably be wishing it would end after five minutes – six minutes tops.
Something to watch for:
32 mins – When I was a child I had a toy ray gun. It was more convincing than those.
One of the bright(er) moments for Full Moon in the late ’90s was Hideous! (1997), which features bizarrely deformed “pickled punks” turning the tables on their would-be collectors. And actress Jacqueline Lovell demonstrates hitherto unsuspected talents in the wardrobe department.
